Janey Godley's Blog

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 81

2012-01-25T23:09:00.000Z

(Please be aware thatthis Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 81 of Janey Godley’s podcast the mother anddaughter comedy duo give us some Oscar facts. The podcast is recorded early dueto the duo heading to London this week. Ashley has unearthed many weird andwonderful titbits of Oscar award ceremonies from the archives and also gives usa roundup of the latest nominees.

Janey gives us some ‘singing’ from her version of TheNorthern Lights and Ashley talks’ crunchy lettuce diet tips. They both talkbeauty tips and get a chance to read out some podcast questions. Ashley wantsto be the face of Poundland (which isn’t sexual).

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the worldgets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and hometruths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less takenin their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, baitand burst with laughter.

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode81

You can check out all our videos on YouTube.

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows byjust clicking Gigs!

If you would like to support this podcast then please do soby clicking onto Our PodOmaticpage and donate via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you wouldpass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

Getting to grips with me

2012-01-23T21:06:00.000Z

“No thanks, am not really into getting my Chakra’saligned, I have just recently relocated my ovaries thanks” I said to the hippylooking woman who boldly sported a shock of white hair.

She was younger than me but was brave enough toresist Wella number 5 hair dye, am just not ready to ‘come out as grey’ somewomen can carry it off and their families accept them being grey, not for me,am staying in the Wella number 5 closet.

I don’t look sexy and natural with grey locks; I looklike I might milk goats & live in a static caravan site or have walked offthe set of a Dickens show set in Newgate prison and am the old woman with twodays to live.

This hippy grey haired woman Desdemona (I swearthat’s her name or she changed it on Twitter or something similar) met me in acafe and immediately decided I needed her help getting my aura and chakrassorted out. I really needed a cup of strong tea and a bacon roll.

“Do you have headaches and trouble with yourstomach?” she asked sagely as she gripped my hand and massaged between mythumbs and forefinger, making my stomach hurt. Doesn’t everyone have headachesand stomach pains? Come on they must do eh? But her eyes were imploring me toagree with her about headaches and stomach cramps; I stared at the woman makingbacon rolls.

The constant massaging on the web between my fingerswas making me quite violent.

Turns out Desdemona used to be called Sheila and hadbeen a fish gutter in Aberdeen till she met a bloke at Glastonbury who gave heran ‘experience’. Am not sure if what he did was consensual but she seemed tolike sharing her skills. I got up and walked away- starving and determined toget my roots done.

You see I don’t mind ‘alternative therapies’ butthere are some I would avoid – like getting hot stones stuck to my back,somehow that reminds me of the shit my big brother used to do to me when I was7 years old in the sticky summer days in Glasgow.

Some women love spa therapies and it helps themunwind.

They way I relax and it is truly better than any spaever, is hanging out & staying with my best pals Monica or Shirley. We canlie on the sofa, eat nice food, talk shit for hours and shout at the telly,then sleep for ages and wear nothing but sloppy clothes and not bother to washhair or wear make-up. Just having great one on one time with my pal andtalking, debating, arguing processing issues that bother me is so amazing andultimately relaxing.

Good pals are better than alternative therapists orpersonal life coaches. Good pals tell the truth about you horrific dress thatyou think is lovely, they also refuse to let you leave the house with that eyeshadow you think is ‘on trend’.

Good pals can resolve sexual, marriage and careerissues better than any single mantra filled nut-job who charges for everysingle piece of faux advice they batter out.

There’s a bloke I know who pays a shed load of bucksto a life coach who had previously worked with astronauts at NASA- he lovedtelling me this fact- as the coach apparently personally helped those chosenmoon walkers to gain the wherewithal to fly into space.

I asked him “what did he do? Point at the moon andsay- go there?”

He was really annoyed and said ‘to fully get thebest from a life coach you had to be willing to give yourself up to fate andface the challenge’. That’s what every single newborn does naturally when heslips from the amniotic sac and faces life, isn’t it?

The reason am banging on about this subject is- Ihave decided to lose weight and try to get myself fit and everyone told me Ishould get myself a personal trainer, full time nutritionalist and motivator. Idon’t disagree and had a great chat with a bloke from Kaizen Fitness in Glasgowand this month and am not ruling it out. But firstly am going to see if I canpossibly try to do start it on my own. As at the end of day, if I can’t makemyself do it, trust me nobody else will.

If you have any diet, help and advice or like mepretending to be a life coach occasionally follow me on Twitter @janeygodley

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 80

2012-01-20T01:32:00.001Z

(Please be aware thatthis Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 80 of Janey Godley’s podcast the chatty duo talkabout old family photographs they found and the ever changing look of Janey’sbushy hair throughout the decades. Ashley gives us her opinion on breastimplants, shoplifting celebrities and broke toe bones.

Janey and Ashley laugh their way through memories offunerals past and present and Janey asks the podcast questions. Celebrity BigBrother gets a roundup and the ladies give their opinions on the latestepisode.

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode80

You can check out all our videos on YouTube.

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows byjust clicking Gigs!

If you would like to support this podcast then please do soby clicking onto Our PodOmaticpage and donate via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you wouldpass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 79

2012-01-13T01:26:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 79 of Janey Godley’s podcast the chatty duo talkabout old family photographs they found and the ever changing look of Janey’sbushy hair throughout the decades. Ashley gives us her opinion on breastimplants, shoplifting celebrities and broke toe bones.

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode79

You can check out all our videos on YouTube

Order “Handstands in the Dark” PaperBack or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic,ITunesor Facebook

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows byjust clicking Gigs!

If you would like to support this podcast then please do soby clicking onto Our PodOmatic pageand donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you wouldpass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

Bring it on 2012

2012-01-06T15:24:00.001Z

“Why are you old and have funny hair?” my greatniece Julia asked me as she stroked the evil cat she calls a pet. She is onlyfive and doesn’t understand that I am allowed to still be alive and she alsodoesn’t know that genetically she just might inherit my bushy fucked up hair.“Why are you still alive little cheeky face?”

I laughedback and she quickly replied “I am alive coz I know the numbers of days I haveleft and I know yours as well” she stared intently at me with big eyes, thenwalked away as she squeezed the cat firmly under her arm and banged the window withone angry fist and a pigeon flew off in a startled flappy panic.

I think she might be Carrie from the horror film.

My point is Julia is a funny wee kid; she is startlinglyblonde with the bluest eyes and has the weirdest off beat sense of humour whichmakes me happy to be her auntie, sometimes she tells me she can hear my bonesmoaning. That’s not a sentence many five year olds get away with to me, but Ilove her.

My bones aremoaning by the way, I am at that age when a noise happens when I bend downsharply to pick up something as small as a hair grip or try and brush the backof my bushy fucked up hair. My arms are like stiff doll arms – it’s an agething!

So 2012 is upon me and I have to better organised,and by organised I mean I need to stop hiding paperwork under the couch andactually physically dealing with it.

Everyone makes so many New Year resolutions; mineare to stop dreaming that one day I will get to do physical expressive dance toSupertramp live on TV and time to focus on real life and quit imagining thatGeorge Clooney will like touching my boobs.

These are some of the things am planning to stickto-I am going to try and catch the postman everytime he slides a card in myletterbox telling me I wasn’t at home to receive a parcel, as he tiptoes awayfrom my door with my parcel.

I am going to make a concerted effort to stopshouting at my husband when he gets up to go to the loo in the middle of thenight and knocks over the washing basket. And I promise not make that huffingnoise when he splashes on the floor round the loo bowl.

I am going to stop rolling my eyes everytime mydaughter Ashley talks about William Shatner and I promise I will stoppretending he has died and I had heard it just then on the news.

I will definitely try and book rail travel 300 daysin advance so that a simple cross country train journey doesn’t cost more thana daily drug deal for Oasis circa 1997.

From now on I will stop buying clothes that fit awoman called Gwyneth who is thin, willowy and doesn’t live in my house andstart buying clothes that can fit my body which is the shape of a sturdy yetstumpy box.

I will stop shouting FUCK OFF CUNTS at the TV whenanyone called Kardashian or Jersey Shore or TOWIE comes on and will calm myselfdown by pretending William Shatner is dead and telling this to Ashley, you seethat’s a big distraction as I have explained before.

I will give up moaning about the phenomenon that iscupcakes- ok here is my last rant, they are just muffins with glitteryexpensive icing- stop charging £5 for that shit ok?

So there we have some of my intentions for the NewYear. Hope you like them and if you get bored follow me on twitter @janeygodley

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 78

2012-01-05T01:15:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 78 of Janey Godley’s podcast the funny duodiscuss the latest news of the Stephen Lawrence trial. Ashley debates whether aparent has any right to cover up a child’s murder. Janey explains her latesttwitter fight regarding Roman Polanski and Michael Winner and Ashley gives ussome Glasgow urban legends.

The twosome gets into deep discussion over the weather inCentral Scotland and Ashley reveals her deep fears about how to behave andsurvive the impending supposed end of the world in 2012. Janey explains herfrustration about her own mother’s murder and the lack of justice served in hercase.

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode78

You can check out all our videos on YouTube

Order “Handstands in the Dark” PaperBack or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic,ITunesor Facebook

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows byjust clicking Gigs!

If you would like to support this podcast then please do soby clicking onto Our PodOmatic pageand donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you wouldpass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 77

2011-12-30T14:55:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 77 of Janey Godley's podcast the mother anddaughter comedy twosome discuss their favourite things of 2011. Janey tells usher favourite moments in comedy, music and books and Ashley reveals her topmovies, TV shows and music.

Ashley debates a suicide issue that was in the news andrecalls her experience with a stalker. Janey gives us the rundown of her nightperforming comedy at Corntonvale Women's prison. Both podcasters reveal theirfavourite moments and regrets of the past year. The round up of podcast questionsand Ashley's sexual encounters make it a memorable episode.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at:Episode77

Order “Handstands in the Dark” PaperBack or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic,ITunesor Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do soby clicking onto Our PodOmatic pageand donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows byjust clicking Gigs!

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you wouldpass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 76

2011-12-22T06:07:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 76 of Janey Godley’s podcast the comedy duotackle The Krankie’s penchant for swinging, Christmas songs and Ashleyappearance on BBC 3 this week. Janey talks about her recent visit toEasterhouse in Glasgow and Ashley fears Terence the pillow will come to life.

Janey has a rant about foreign aid and poverty and Ashley ishorrified at her mother’s lack of passion over racism in football. The chattyduo gives us some off key singing and some fun facts from around the globe.Merry Christmas.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at:Episode76

Order “Handstands in the Dark” PaperBack or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic,ITunesor Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do soby clicking onto Our PodOmatic pageand donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows byjust clicking Gigs!

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you wouldpass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

Travel with my Bag

2011-12-17T22:08:00.005Z

I was in London recently and just love getting timewith my pals and catching up. Also getting the chance to do The Set List showat Soho theatre was just absolutely amazing. It’s a show where the minute youstep onstage you are handed a piece of paper that tells you the subjects yourgig will be based on. It’s a bit like jumping off a cliff naked in front of thepeople you desperately want to impress and have your period at the exact momentyou bend your knees to leap off the edge. If you have ever had that dream youare naked and can’t use the buttons of a phone to get out of the street filledwith people staring at you? Then that’s the feeling The Set List gives you andthe only way out is to talk funny and make people laugh to get you out of thesituation. I did it.

Monica my dear pal cheered and laughed all the waythrough and gave me a big hug as I walked off stage and thanks to Paul Provenza& the Set List team for the chance to do the show again.

I do love a walk down Oxford Street to see all thebright Christmas lights and look in the windows and feel that wonderfulseasonal excitement. Though we don’t really do much Christmas stuff now thatAshley our daughter is a fully fledged adult- I do miss the feeling and getnostalgic at rosy cheeked kids in red mittens all giggling queuing up for Santaphotos.

The other weird thing is when am doing Christmascomedy gigs, and the all jingle Christmas songs are on....I quickly realisethat all these songs I was singing to in the 80s were out when most of thestaff weren’t even alive. I am old. That’s official.

Christmas gigs can be notoriously difficult aspeople get raging drunk and have no interest in your funny stories....there isnothing better to bring down your comedy swaggering ego than to stand onstageand get whacked by a turkey breast on the shin bone as you almost reach a punchline.

Just a head’s up to people being dragged to a comedynight at Christmas party works night out, if you don’t like comedy and hateshutting up- just refuse to go and if you are a drunken person that hatescomedy and likes throwing food? Please stay at home and whack yourself with aham in private.

This time of year in Glasgow the drink and partyseason is in full swing, I watched two girls in astonishingly high platformshoes (that actually looked like surgical wear) hold onto each other trying tocross a road and fall like timber in front of moving cars.

Luckily they crawled onto the pavement draggingtheir Lulu Guinness bags and Jimmy Choo’s onto the vomit spewed pavement. Oneof them had a black hair piece that fell out and washed away in the gutter andshe scrambled on bloodied knees trying to save it from going down the drain.Classy.

The other phenomenon on freezing winter nights inScotland is the sheer amount of young men and women who refuse to wear ajacket, the two drunken girls I just mentioned were in thin shiny fabric offthe shoulder dresses, it was 2 degrees below freezing in Glasgow. I don’t everrecall going out disco dancing in the late 70s and thinking “it’s snowing outthere am going to find a sleeveless short dress and ditch my winter coat”.

Maybe I am old now and this is the way old peopletalk, but seeing young guys in thin tee shirts standing in the snow literallyshivering and trembling with mild hypothermia makes me wonder- what makes themdo that? Do you not get laid if you own a jacket nowadays? Is that a new code-wear a coat never get fucked? When did that happen?

My other bug bear is fragrance adverts on TV at thistime, I really don’t understand them especially if you watch them with sound onmute. It basically is a woman in a torn billowing frock with smudged eye makeuprunning down an alley then caressing the bricks and staring into the distance-she looks sexually assaulted but then she sticks her fingers in her mouth and acat jumps off a trash can and she stares at the moon and then clutches a bottleof perfume? What the fuck is that about?

So here we are almost at the end of the year and myblog is becoming more and more sporadic – I am feeling weird about life.Another year gone and I still don’t know where my career or life is going;shouldn’t I have all this shit figured out by now?

No is the answer, I don’t know much at all despitegetting to this age. I only know when its cold- wear a jacket.

Janey Godley’s Podcast "Episode 75"

2011-12-14T22:56:00.003Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 75 of JaneyGodley’s podcast the mother and daughter comedy duo discuss feminism, Russianboats and Ashley’s penchant for having sex in cars.

Janey debates the local newsin Scotland about a man who threw another off a train and Ashley talks abouther late Uncle from the Isle of Rothesay and his recent death. There are somefun weird facts, podcast questions from Facebook and twitter and Ashley singsher self- penned song ‘My Nips are like bullets’

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at:Episode75

Order “Handstands in the Dark” PaperBack or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic,ITunesor Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do soby clicking onto Our PodOmatic pageand donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows byjust clicking Gigs!

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you wouldpass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 74”

2011-12-09T01:50:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 74 of Janey Godley’s podcast the chatty motherand daughter comedy duo discuss strikes in the UK, Paul McMullan the journalistand the viral video of the racist rant. Janey takes up the lead in rantingabout the imminent conflict in Iran and Ashley is convinced George Michael issomehow linked.

Ashley speaks about the latest Muppet character which endsin tears as they discuss hunger in children. Podcast questions are answered andthe TV show Deadliest Catch is fully explored.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows byjust clicking Gigs!

Order “Handstands in the Dark” PaperBack or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic,ITunesor Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do soby clicking onto Our PodOmatic pageand donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at:

Episode74

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you wouldpass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie

Being Bullied By A Kids Charity Online

2011-12-05T05:28:00.001Z

Employees use Registered Charities Twitter account to Bully.

(I deleted this earlier but read again as there are further kinks to this story especially at the end)

Last week I got into a robust twitter debate with a woman from http://www.mckeeconsultants.co.uk/ who specialise in diversity and equality. Anyway the lady online persistently demand that as she is a feminist she was entitled to know on why I openly use the word ‘cunt’ online. I told her that I didn't need to explain myself to her nor anyone and refused to justify my language. I then expressed how ironic it was that a feminist was demanding a woman explain her words. I refused to explain my motives to her and will always do so, as I don’t believe I should have to explain my vocabulary to anyone.

My twitter profile says “The most outspoken female stand up in Britain” (Daily Telegraph). I cannot give you the timeline of McKee Consultant’s tweets as she deleted the entire argument (such was her commitment to her own words), though I do have a screengrab of them. In the middle of this twitter debate a person from the charity Sky Project in Kilmarnock (they recently asked me to be a patron to their kids charity) added to the debate by saying “You are a patron of our children’s charity. Would you say these words to our young people?”

I responded to Sky Project by saying something along the lines of “I don’t think coming online to question my motives is professional and I can always un-patron” I couldn’t understand why suddenly a charity I have been dealing with got into this twitter debate of the word ‘cunt’.

Firstly I felt Sky Project were questioning my ability to work with kids because I say ‘cunt’ (I have never put myself up as a child role model THEY asked me to be patron) and secondly why are they getting involved? Then I quickly realised that McKee Consultants and Sky Project are friends and contact each other regularly. Fine- I thought, she is sticking up for her pal McKee and now she has lost me as a patron. That’s what happens when you use a charity’s registered twitter feed to have a go at people, no big deal.

I opened my twitter a day later and there was a tweet from a children charity Hill House Care http://www.hillhousecare.org/ that said “Calling yourself a comedienne is an insult to all things funny, Call yourself a children’s role model? Hope not”

Now I was stunned, I genuinely don’t mind people calling me crap and unfunny, it happens a lot to be honest on twitter but for a registered charity to come online with this unprovoked attack annoyed me. Yet again it mentioned my ‘children’s role model’ (which I am not) and so a very short blast of past tweets revealed yet again that McKee Consultants, Sky Project and Hill House Care were all linked together and friends on and offline.

Then @hillhousecare1 deleted the offending tweet and sometime later spouted stuff about freedom of speech and then deleted that as well! (See a pattern emerging? Offensive tweets- delete-delete?) So there we have it, I got into a debate over the word cunt with a woman and her mates waded in under the guise of the charities they work for and had a go at me. My online friends all took exception to the tweets and many complained to Hill House Care and some of them were pretty verbal about a charity being used to slag me off.

So then Hill House Care and McKee consultants both claimed cyber bullying. (Sky Project who may have a more clever person working their social media apologised and backed off). To date Hill House Care has never apologised and both they and Mckee Consultants have deleted their tweets regarding me. Yes they did that old nugget of the passive/aggressive world of “we got into an argument, lost it and now claim aggression in our direction” how professional?

Again at this point I’d like to re-iterate that my anger is at the charities public accounts being used to insult me, not the insult itself. In terms of insults I’ve been called a lot worse… but never by an anonymous person hiding behind the guise of a children’s charity.

So the upshot is, I feel bullied by a children’s charity! I have written to Hill House Care and want their board of directors contact details as I believe the person reading my complaint might be the actual tweeter- so the best way to get to the bottom is to let the charity commission know that a charity is using its status to have a go at people.

By the way- Hill House Care claim on their website to be ‘Non Judgemental” and McKee Consutlants claim to promote “equality and diversity” I have NEVER claimed to be a child’s role model.

So after I posted this blog today I got an email from Mckee Consultants and apologising – which I accepted and I accepted the apology from The Sky project- as of yet I haven’t had an apology from the person who actually tweeted from Hill house care. The tweets all came from a mother, a sister and a daughter in the same family.

After I deleted the blog to let the dust settle on the issue I got an email from a journalist and school teacher called Douglas Bane who sent me an email titled “Scottish comedian forces children's charity to close because they said she wasn't funny”.

He went on to do a hatchet job on my character BUT went onto paint the women who wrote the tweets in such a naive, innocent way and it emerges I am the woman who is singlehandedly getting the charity shut down- in fact he makes it seem, it was always my sole intention- here is an excerpt of his email about me- the one he intends to get published.

"The attempt to smooth ruffled feathers came too late. By this time some of Janey’s followers had taken up the story and were spreading her “horrific personal abuse” version.

Unaware of the full story and unwilling to trawl through the archives, two board members of the second charity, resigned at the weekend. The Scottish Council for Voluntary Organisations withdrew its support. Prospective funders have pulled out. As I said, Janey has influence"

Now I have never contacted anyone regards getting the funding cut and those who know me, know this would hurt my soul.

So I sent a statement to the journalist who strangely gave me the offer to change the end of the story and the headline to "Janey Godley steps in to save struggling children's charity"

So I spoke to the woman from The Sky Project who in fact is the least of all offenders in this weird story, she apologised last week after her slightly hurtful tweet and it turns out she knows Douglas Bane the journalist and in fact they used to be in a relationship together.

She asked him to ‘help’ and his way of helping was to threaten me with a rotten unbalanced article about me. He is also a physics teacher and works in education!

I feel his part in this was to put the ‘frighteners’ on me and hope that I would back down and delete my blog. Well Douglas you obviously don’t know me well enough and if anyone else in the press wants to pick up on this wee debacle of story do let me know. BTW I am still getting emails accusing me of trying to 'break people' instead of 'letting this go'. They somehow have become the victims and I am the bad witch.

Sometimes the word cunt doesn’t quite get across what I mean today.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 73”

2011-11-30T23:34:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 73 of Janey Godley’s podcast the chatty mother and daughter comedy duo discuss strikes in the UK, Paul McMullan the journalist and the viral video of the racist rant. Janey takes up the lead in ranting about the imminent conflict in Iran and Ashley is convinced George Michael is somehow linked.

Ashley speaks about the latest Muppet character which ends in tears as they discuss hunger in children. Podcast questions are answered and the TV show Deadliest Catch is fully explored.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our PodOmatic page and donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 73

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 72”

2011-11-23T23:57:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 72 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the comedy mother and daughter team chew the fat over The Leveson Inquiry which deals with press invasion, Fatima Whitbread’s appearance on I’m a Celebrity reality show and The TV phenomenon Mrs Browns Boys. Ashley has some fascinating stories about a rapey ghost, an ashamed burglar and a satanic date gone wrong.

The Bold Alec does Mills and Boon, Salam Rushdie gets a lambasting and Terence the man pillow gets a mention. Janey and Ashley answer the many podcast questions and Janey gives us an insight to her performance at the recent Children in Need.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our PodOmatic page and donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 72

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 71”

2011-11-17T02:16:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 71 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the mother and daughter duo is short a mother, as Janey is in London. She is replaced in this episode by former guest, the middle class candle stick heiress Victoria Barnet. The ladies get to chatting about all sorts including a Russian body snatcher, a group of American hip hop dancing sleeper agents and whether or not they would grow extra limbs for each other.

With Janey missing she takes quite a slagging, her toilet troubles get discussed as does her foray into moustache growing. All this plus Victoria describes her father’s bizarre antics and gives her honest and refreshing views of the world around her.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our PodOmatic page and donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 71

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie

It's 1975 again

2011-11-15T14:50:00.001Z

I love Glasgow and I adore it at this time of year when my dear green place becomes awash with russets, browns and burgundy, when all the trees decide to go on the ‘turn’. So on Saturday I headed into to town to look at clothes in fashionable shops that I can’t wear (they never look right on me) and look at coats that make my small dumpy frame look like a Hitler’s youth camp leader.

So I sauntered into my local underground tube station at Georges Cross and pulled out some change for the automated ticket machine. The 20p coin kept falling right through and finally after four attempts I gave up. I shook my head and huffed as I walked towards the ticket booth and the wee older man behind the counter said “just as well your head is attached to your neck or it would have fallen off shaking it so much at the machine, I bet you if I went to the machine I could make it work. Must be because you are a woman”

I stared at him in astonishment and simply said “A single please?” and imagined what it must be like to work with men who still think it’s 1975, the Bay City Rollers are number one and it’s ok to make mother in law fat jokes and call women ‘fat cows’.

He held onto to my ticket and repeated “must be a woman thing” and sniggered at me. Now normally I would verbally erase his damp polystyrene personality but I merely said “That’s sexist, can you please just give me my ticket?” and then took it and headed down the escalator quite calmly, because I know the best way to deal with this. I twittered it. I found the Glasgow Subway on twitter and included them in the whole debate.

Now I am dealing with the complaint professionally and can then publish the emails online and let everyone know what happened. That’s what I love about twitter and the internet. We no longer deal with shit like this alone, we can include our small world of followers on the ups and down of the service we receive and create a stooshy (Scottish word for trouble) very publicly.

A few folk have told me as comedian I should have had a sense of humour about the wee old man who is sexist and I did think about that, but then I recalled a good few young men and women work in that booth and imagine the shit he comes out with and they might not have the balls to deal with him. Maybe they wait for the day when the public finally snap and report him, well I just did. The Glasgow Subway people replied to my tweet and are dealing with it as we speak.

So now am in London where the autumnal carpet is gathering and my favourite view across the Thames looking down towards Westminster looks glorious in the late winter sun. Am staying with my mate is just back from New York and has no provisions in the flat but has a glut of ‘organic cleansing bark tree root’ and ‘virgin coconut oil’ and some dried garlic bulbs. Luckily in my bag I had a banana which to me is the world best fast food and can be carried in a handbag until a food emergency rears its head.

I believe that people who don’t have at least a brown loaf in the freezer or some cheese in a fridge must be subjected to getting their tits rammed in a door repeatedly until they remember for future. Of course am joking....I off to the local shops to get some breakfast meats and wish it was 1975 again, as I would buy some cheese crispy pancakes and settle down to watch SwapShop and hope David Essex will come on live and talk cockney. I would pull on my size 10 tight ribbed polo neck and stroke the flat area where gigantic breasts will eventually grow and shake my snakelike hips to the Bay City Rollers and wonder if one day I will marry Donny Osmond. 1975 you were good to me.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 70”

2011-11-11T18:48:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 70 of Janey Godley’s podcast – Ashley and Janey get sexy talk on the agenda this week. Terence the man pillow seems to be a favourite with the listeners and we get down and dirty about his recent state.

Ashley tells us what single white women with a degree should avoid and Janey gives us a Bold Alec blast. The duo discusses the future of a relationship for Ashley and what qualities that man might have. Occupy Glasgow, Frankie Cocozza and I’m a Celebrity get debated throughout the podcast.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our PodOmatic page and donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 70

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie

What is wrong with me?

2011-11-07T21:35:00.002Z

“Don’t touch my leg” I moaned to Ashley as she tried to get me off the couch. I have a sore upper bum check and lower leg, I also have a lumpy tender patch under my right ribcage and my left arm aches. I am finally an old woman who hobbles off the sofa in a queer shape like I am trying to do the ‘Lobster’ from Little Mermaid. I hate being stiff and sore. I worry.

I don’t want to be old, I hate seeing the upper inside flabby bits of my arms, my belly is softer than freshly kneaded dough and my thighs wobble. When did I become this old woman? Am a bit stressed with the pains and have had blood tests done and this weekend I get my organs scanned. I have never been ill really in my life, but my brother died 10 months ago and I know he was a long term drug user and had HIV but I still think “what if he had something hereditary and I have it now?” I am a drama queen eh? Maybe am just fat?

Then after worrying needlessly I look around the world and realise people are living with drone planes bombing their kids, folk in Palestine are living in a illegal ghetto created for them by people who used to hate ghetto’s and Greece is struggling under an economic crisis. I need to shut up and deal with the tiny shit that happens in life eh? Then I worry how will Adele write another album unless some man fucks her about again and should we wish that on her for the sake of some nice music?

Husband is being stoic and helpful as I worry about dying and whisper to him at 4am “if I die will you make sure my dad is ok and Ashley doesn’t cry her life away and gets on her feet and please don’t let them play shit music at my funeral and I don’t want anyone but Ashley to speak as she is better at that” then I go quiet and add “I don’t want dressed in my wedding dress when I die” Husband held me tight and whispered “don’t think you will fit into that dress now and I don’t think a sore leg means you are dying, shut up and get your elbow off my arm you are hurting it”

Ashley and I are gearing up for Christmas – I say that – like we have big plans, husband doesn’t like Christmas and we have the ‘tree’ fight every year. He has decided that I take parts of the fake tree and leave them out so the tree year by year is getting thinner and decidedly smaller and lopsided. Last year I didn’t even bother putting it up as he merely offered me a single branch of the tree to decorate and sellotape to the skirting board. This year I might pull the whole shebang out and go crazy with lights and decorate it. It might be my last one if my illness’s engulf me (drama queen again?).

If you are reading this in UK and know what the LIDL shop is then you will be excited as me about their Christmas selection! If you are outside Europe and UK the LIDL is a supermarket with heaps of interesting food and goods and they are really cheap.

I love the weird seasonal decorations, skiing equipment and three bird roast on offer. Firstly if you ski you won’t really shop at the LIDL will you? I get the feeling the LIDL isn’t full of middle class people carousing the aisles for their organic wheatgrass drinks...do you? During the summer the LIDL sold blow up boats and horse blankets and equestrian goods! Who goes to the LIDL for Satsuma’s and pony trekking stuff?

Anyway I get all my blood results and will tell you how my scan went and keep you updated. Meanwhile am off to the Blythswood Hotel in Glasgow to meet my pals, they haven’t been and am excited about showing it off. I love it. Might just stay there for Christmas and give the cooking and kitchen a break!

Take me from behind

2011-11-05T15:23:00.000Z

“Just grab the rope and make it look like you are dragging the chef’s with you” the photographer shouted. One chef shouted over the photographers voice “It looks like we are all taking you from behind” that made me laugh as I looked round and had a bunch of men and one woman behind me in a uncomfortable clutch, who were almost on top of me.

I was doing a photo shoot for Action for Children where I apparently kidnapped chefs in Edinburgh and dragged them to the City Chambers and held them hostage. To be honest if I was going to kidnap a bunch of men and hold them in a room, the last people I would take are chefs. They are all a bunch of needy egotistical nutters who claim what they do is art....much like comedians to be honest. If I had a choice I would kidnap feeble minded sexy male models, which were easily swayed with glittery objects.

Mind you the chef guys were lovely and very loud and on the phones demanding people give them money to secure their release and we ended up raising over four thousand pounds for charity. This was awesome all round- so well done people!

Been gigging around the place, had a great show last night at Glasgow Jongleurs where a man came up after the show and said “My wife screamed with laughter, she normally hates female comics and was annoyed that a woman was closing the show as as they are all about the fanny, fat and food jokes. We saw a few shit women comics lately onstage and on TV but she loved you”

I stared at the guy and wanted to bite his face. I don’t want to hear that, so women come to comedy gigs and if they hate women comics but are willing to give them a wee chance – that makes them generous? Men don’t get judged if other men had bombed onstage, men get heaps of chances. But one woman is duff onstage and that’s it...all women are shit comics? Go fuck yourself lady I want the laughter back that I gave you!

I am not going into that debate again, we all know how I feel about the plight of the female comic but fucksake I have talked it to death.

Just as I was leaving the club a guy said “We don’t expect a woman to be the headline act amongst the men but you were good” I stared at him smiled and said “Am not a comedian am just an over friendly cleaner who wandered in and they gave me a go at it” I wrapped my coat tighter round me and stomped off. How can a compliment feel like an insult?

The world is going a bit fuckety lately – we have the in the UK reports that we might start to bomb Iran...now just a heads up, I don’t think we should mainly because that leader has a distinct flinty look in his eyes and secondly they have nuclear weapons. Am just saying unless we have James Bond or the A Team we should leave well alone. I am sick of the UK getting involved in other people’s business under the guise of ‘we are there to protect the innocent and trodden on’ evidently not in countries that have fuck all but a dust bowl for natural resources or we would be helping many more oppressed people in the world.

Greece is collapsing under financial stress and the head of the borders in UK has been suspended for not checking everyone coming through airport customs....let me tell you he checked me every time and almost had a look up my vag for extra sureness. I don’t know what days the UK airport security was being relaxed but it wasn’t any of the days I flew! So we now have too many immigrants unchecked and unaccountable which made the red top newspaper piss themselves with excitement at the headline opportunities.

And on the showbiz front we had an outcry of public disdain that some Kardashian woman got married for publicity and attention....we had that back in 1981 when Prince Charles married a shy blonde bobbed curvy virgin called Diana. Except we paid for that sham of a wedding and she ended up fucking the family off and got topped in a tunnel. Maybe if a Kardashian got rammed by a white Fiat Uno and some paparazzi bikers am happy to start watching the show. Until then people you get the TV you deserve!

And apparently Justin Beiber fathered a baby after a backstage bang, seriously why is this story running? A DNA test usually brings this shit to an abrupt halt and to be honest I don’t think the Beiber even has sperm come out of his tiny Toot-toot penis, I think when he has a wee orgasm glitter and My Little Pony stickers fly out of his baby cock. That and the smell of talcum? Agree?

So some news- firstly our podcast is breaking all sorts of previously held spots in the podcast charts and we are into episode 69- if you want to check it out go to janeygodley.com and check out the front page for details and you will also see details of my autobiography which is finally coming out in E Book form at end of November!

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 69”

2011-11-03T19:12:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 69 of Janey Godley’s podcast the argumentative comedy twosome get to grips with the latest online gossip. They debate Justin Beiber’s baby, Liz Jones of the Daily Mail’s sperm stealing and JJ Abrams version of Star Trek.

Ashley rants loudly and venomously over her defence of the Star Trek franchise and Janey gives us all a blast of The Bold Alec. Ashley does some funny voices in the style of ‘Desperate Housewives of...’ and Janey quizzes Ashley on her secret love of Terence and why he is slowly dying in her bed

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our PodOmatic page and donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 69

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie

Big Catch up Blog

2011-10-27T11:57:00.003Z

Have you ever woke up at 4am and realised your skin is swelling up? No? Good on you, coz that’s how I woke up early this morning. Seems prawns really hate me and every time I eat one they squirt some liquid into my blood stream that am allergic to. I know you are thinking, why eat them if you have an allergy to them, but it’s doesn’t happen everytime. It like playing Russian roulette stir fry, but it happens so infrequent I thought I could get away with it. AND it isn’t always prawns! I can eat any fish and get this weird reaction.

So I ended up getting driven through the empty streets of Glasgow as my mouth went fat and thick with swelling. Husband simply kept calm and managed to slip through a stream of green lights as if the traffic gods were on our side and waved us through the worrying journey. Me and my husband couldn’t look at each other in case I saw the fear on his face as he saw the swelling on mine. Good news, I am fine, I got treated and it all calmed down.

So been a long time since I blogged, lots has happened, for instance Gadaffi got killed and we all had to look at his dead body on constant news streams, The OCCUPY movement has gone global. People in over a 100 major cities have started camping out in the streets to show their anger at greedy bankers and the 99% of people affected by the financial downturn. We have an OCCUPY in Glasgow but unlike other cities we had a sexual assault at ours. To make matters worse we also had a suspected homophobic attack on a young man in east Ayrshire where he was beaten and burned to death. Sometimes I feel like the people of my thriving exciting country are going backwards instead of forwards.

Don’t get me wrong Scotland is a vibrant exciting country but sometimes it feels like we harbour and nurture things like homophobia and sectarian hatred- we still have an 80% rise in domestic abuse on the day when Rangers football team play their rival Celtic. Can you believe that families sit in fear of their loved ones who are coming home from a football match in Glasgow? Families still batter religious hatred into their kids, I know- I was told to hate Catholics when I was younger, but I married one instead.

Homophobia is still a dirty cancer on our modern society, people still raise kids with spitting hatred and deep seated prejudice against the gay community, and let’s not kid ourselves, religious bashing alongside to reinforce that theory doesn’t help.

People have said to me “Would you care if Ashley was gay” and the answer is – yes I would care because I worry how she would be treated by others, but not care about her sexuality in itself.

I worry that the next generation of my family, i.e. Great nieces and nephews might have to come out as gay and how they will be treated in a Scotland of the future.

Having said that – a big salute to the many families who raise their kids up to believe religion, creed, colour and sexuality mean nothing as long as you have respect for each other. My nice Ann Margaret has three kids whom I totally adore, aged 5 8 and 14 and all three are brought up to discuss what ‘gay’ is and explore why some hate black people and basic world politics and religion. It isn’t that hard to make sure when you speak to young kids that they know you don’t hate the world and the other inhabitants who are different from you.

Those kids are even encouraged to touch spiders and not kill anything in nature, we are not religious but we don’t want them growing up haters. It isn’t that hard to do.

So now am feeling better and my skin fits me again, please do check out our podcast on janeygodley.com .

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 68”

2011-10-27T03:01:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 68 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the chatty comedy duo get their teeth into some heavy subjects. Ricky Gervais and his controversial use of a word get a going over and the ensuing debate and fall out of the issue in the press this week are discussed.

Ashley explains the delights of the new TV show Educating Essex and Janey talks about the Occupy movement that is currently sweeping cities across the globe. Ashley gives us some weird and wonderful stories and we get podcast questions from the web, Ashley closes the podcast with tales of her queer scary dreams.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our PodOmatic page and donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 68

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 67”

2011-10-20T03:22:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 67 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the chatty comedy duo get their teeth into some heavy subjects. Ricky Gervais and his controversial use of a word get a going over and the ensuing debate and fall out of the issue in the press this week are discussed.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our PodOmatic page and donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 67

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 66”

2011-10-13T00:03:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 66 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the chatty twosome get into some Liam Fox baiting and try to make sense of the latest political quagmire surrounding his extensive lies. Ashley goes hell for leather on Matt Cardle, Gary Linekar and his glamorous wife whilst Janey tells us how Noel Gallagher makes sense for a change.

The comedy duo talks about Michael Jackson’s ongoing trial and try to make sense of the tribute for him last week in Cardiff. Ashley plays her latest ‘guess what’s not true’ and Janey talks about her new found fame at Blackpool’s comedy carpet. This week’s restaurant review is of The Crabshakk in Glasgow.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our PodOmatic page and donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 66

Life as I know it indeed

2011-10-10T10:36:00.001Z

Husband has Aspergers, everyone knows this and some people are interested in how it affects our marriage and life, if you are one of those people then here’s a thing- if I say something pretty innocuous like “oh look that couple across the road have painted their door”

He will look at me with a weary look and say “It was me who told you about that painted door about a week ago” I look at him and reply “I don’t recall you telling me the people have painted their door, I have just noticed it now, does it matter who knew first? Am just remarking on a thing my two eye balls spotted!”

He stares at me as if I am mad, what would make me think he would let this go? He obviously told me about that painted door last week and to prove that he barks “You and Ashley were on the couch, you were wearing a towel on your head and Ashley was painting her toenails and I said to you both 'The people across the car park have painted their door' it was me who told you this, not you telling me about the door just now, as if I didn’t know about it" I stared blankly at his commitment to this dull uneventful subject.

He then recreated the scene of him telling me about the painted door like a forensic scientist, painstakingly revealing each step of the situation where we were what we were doing when he told us about the amazing painted door. I am surprised he didnt have an overhead projector and slide show of evidence. He was staring at me with agog eyeballs at my forgetful stupidity- how can I not recall where I was when he was telling me important door painting information.

I now hate the painted door and resolve to say in future “That’s right you did tell me about that painted door, why would I mention it as if you knew nothing about it, am nought but a fool?”

These tiny tics in his personality can drive me mad- that and his need to be the original source of any information I have gathered or recently stored in my brain makes me grabby for blunt instruments. The upside is I understand that it is Aspergers that makes him constantly fixate on some daft wee things, that aren’t daft to him but annoying to us.

Having said that I think we all have a wee bit of Aspergers in our psyche, don’t you?
I just hear the words Michael Jackson or Polanski and I am on twitter and facebook getting my dander right up and slightly foamy at the side of my mouth, repeating myself over and over again.

Then again why can we accept that Michael Jackson was an alleged child abuser, yet allowed to get some mates sperm inserted into white women so he can create white children for his own amusement? No social services get in the way? Makes me sick!

My other mildly Aspergers trait is counting steps onstage all across the country/globe and then trying to recall them at a moment’s notice – Nottingham = 3 Glasgow = 2 etc...You get what I mean? Well, I have in my head the number of steps up to the main stage of almost every gig I have ever played worldwide. That’s fucked isn’t it? I don’t think I have any right to talk about husband when I am clearly nuts myself!

I actually said out loud last night to husband “Did you know there are fourteen steps up to the stage area at Brighton Dome” he looked at me and said “It was me that told you that”

He hasn’t been to Brighton Dome, I whipped my head round getting ready to throw this information into his face and he was already laughing at me with a cheeky wink.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 65”

2011-10-06T03:09:00.002Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 65 of Janey Godley’s podcast, the chatty duo tackles the latest controversy of Johnny Depp’s ‘Rape’ comments, Jodie Marsh’s body building and Ashton Kutcher’s shenanigans. Ashley gives us some more weird and wonderful facts, and gets Janey to ‘Guess the true story’ and The Bold Alec makes a quick appearance.

Ashalina our American cousin gives us a roundup of the TV pilots in this seasons US schedule. Snoop Dog and his Welsh gardening video make for good chat and Ashley admits to dressing up for men in space wear.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

If you would like to support this podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our PodOmatic page and donating via the PayPal link on the right hand side of the page.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 65

Stuff me and my daughter have learned

2011-10-01T20:20:00.000Z

Stuff me and my daughter have learned

Things I have learned in my life- by Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie- below is a list of things my daughter Ashley and I compiled for your perusal, we have travelled around the world a bit and seen some stuff and shared some experiences and this is our list. Enjoy.

1. Screaming at toddlers when they fall doesn’t stop them crying or bleeding.

2. Asking loud drunk people to be quiet on the train makes them want to hit you.

3. Hugging rabbit’s really tightly kills them.

4. Telling a small girl about age four not to repeat the words Fucksake doesn’t work, she will repeat those words and usually in front of the one begging nun that stands outside a shop.

5. Hoping that the spot on your nose will disappear in time for a photo shoot.

6. Assuming middle class people to be well behaved drunks at a comedy night (they are worse, that self centred sense of entitlement makes them horrible).

7. You don’t have to be white to be racist.

8. False eyelashes rip your own eyelashes out, now you have two problems.

9. Spot cream does kill spots and unfortunately all the skin surrounding the spot way after the spot has faded.

10. Sanitary towels are designed to fold over accidentally and then stick to your pubic hair and rip it out when you pull down your knickers, it’s just in case you aren’t in enough pain already.

11. Walter Matthau and Saddam Hussein is not the same person, never get them mixed up in the picture round of a pub quiz.

12. Crotch less pants are just damaged goods.

13. If you pronounce the word VAGINA with an ‘F’ at the start instead of a ‘V’ it makes it ten times funnier.

14. Standing on stage screaming about a woman that hurt you in a monotone voice doesn’t make you a comedian, even if your drunk pals, told you it was ‘ridonkilously great’

15. Being Jewish/Muslim/Christian/Scientologist doesn’t mean you are right.

16. Never have sex on your friends suede couch...just don’t.

17. Screaming drunken football chants doesn’t make random strangers like your team.

18. Buy hotel internet, its expensive, but then claim it didn’t work and demand a refund- they can’t prove otherwise.

19. Cough loudly and in a sick manner, sweat profusely and moan when on any form of transport to ensure solitary seats, don’t overdo it or they think you have swine flu and don’t let you travel.

20. When on a busy train platform talk to people and create an allegiance so that when crowd surges forward you as a group can get seats for each other.

21. Hide a child’s favourite toy and pretend it went away and it won’t return till they eat cauliflower.

22. Always fart in the bank queue- no reason just do it.

23. If a man comes onto you and you don’t want to hurt their feelings because you don’t fancy them, tell them you are into fuzzy humping (dressing as animals and fucking) or tell them you like sex and pain on a daily basis. That usually works for me (Ashley Storrie).

24. If you hate cooking and people keep talking about recipes and a good idea for a quiche blurt out you can’t have children and are barren now, to get them off the subject.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 64”

2011-09-28T23:05:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 64 of Janey Godley’s podcast the comedy capers are cranked up when Ashley and Janey try their hand at a ‘panel show’ themed podcast. Turns out Janey cannot do the musical intro game no matter how hard she tries whilst Ashley is an expert.

The Bold Alec makes a brief appearance; Frank Skinner gets a battering from Ashley, Polanski, Michael Jackson and the other convicted paedophile Chris Langham gets a lashing from Janey. Ashley gives us some fun weird facts and we discover that singing like cats isn’t really a talent.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

Please Help Janey Godley raise just £500 for Action for Children and raise awareness for the charity: http://www.justgiving.com/Janey-Godley

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 64

Time reminds me

2011-09-26T17:36:00.001Z

You know how when you think back to something...maybe a few years ago and you recall the night you are thinking of in acute detail and you laugh and then you realise it was 15 years ago and not 2009? Yes...thats happening to me – in my mind’s eye I see that am wearing a black velvet long shirt top, tan leggings and ankle boots and dancing with Ashley who barely reaches my chin...that was a long time ago.

Time does go fast doesn’t it? Fuck I am 50 years old...how did that happen? It was only a few years ago I was thinking about becoming a comedian...wasn’t it? No – it was years ago. I remember the first night the TV show Friends came on, don’t you? I remember ER was on at same time and suddenly here were shows that were funny, with snappy sharp dialogue and George Clooney looking sultry was introduced to our world. Just then Oasis smashed the charts and we all wanted to be in London wearing parkas looking moody and being Liam Gallagher’s girlfriend...it was like the 60s all over. Those days are gone, we suspect Clooney might like being single for various reasons and I have met the Gallaher guys - they are ...ok and am old now, so are they and a parka looks like pensioner winter wear. I suspect me and Liam Gallagher both make grunting noises getting off a sofa and even he has started plumping cushions when nobody is looking.

In 95 comedy in Edinburgh was all new to me, I recall me and Johnny Vegas catching a ride together to the Gilded Balloon comedy venue trying out for the latest comedy competition. Johnny was my pal and lived in Glasgow. The fringe looked so huge, over whelming and out of my reach and I didn’t know then I would eventually do 14 shows (sometimes 3 a day) in ten consecutive years at Fringe. I didn’t know I would get to 50 and be this tubby round the middle, I can’t believe my boobs are so huge and I have an actual moustache that could be combed if I let it grow.

Did you know the guy who played Luke Skywalker is 60 and sexy 70s heart throb Scott Baio is older than me? Yes- Chachi from Happy Days has white pubic hair...If I am getting the sneaky odd one then so is he. Scary isn’t it, have you seen David Cassidy? He looks like a craggy weather beaten chamois leather cloth; I used to kiss his poster when his skin still fitted him.

I don’t mind being old, this blog isn’t about being old, it’s about forgetting how long ago- the long ago actually was. Do you meet people you went to school with, stare at them and think “fucking hell she is ancient looking” not knowing that she is looking at you thinking “fuck I hope my face isn’t as bad as hers” yes...that happens.

So am still doing stand up, the job isn’t hard at my age, but like the old hooker says “it’s not the job....it’s the stairs” Am off to wax my moustache.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 63

2011-09-22T22:03:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 63 of Janey Godley’s podcast this week is dominated by Ashley’s illness- she has tonsillitis and can hardly speak.

The comedy duo go into a debate about the ongoing controversy of the special needs woman Ceri Reese on last week’s X Factor in the UK, kids doing cage fighting gets the once over and then Janey tells stories from her childhood and talks about the Roma homeless in central Glasgow. The Burkha ban in France gets the ladies ranting and Dublin is the city of the week.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 63

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 62

2011-09-14T21:45:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 62 of Janey Godley’s podcast the comedy dazzling duo debate the power of the police, the persistence of Ashley’s kissing habits and Janey’s lack of mothering skills and beauty tips. Ashley opens up the subject of bush trimming and Janey creates a new fashion for curly pubes that beats vajazzling!

Janey questions Victoria Beckham’s ability to carry her own child in platform shoes then goes into rants about screaming people in city centres. Ashley answers the slew of podcast questions and gives up her weird stories of the week, one which is a truly bizarre tale of revenge from Russia. Well worth a listen.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 62

Nothing to do with 9/11

2011-09-12T13:35:00.001Z

I was in Leeds last weekend working at a comedy club incidentally Leeds is apparently the hotbed of Islamic fundamentalism...who knew? All I saw was a typical English town and a few nice art galleries, there were no men in long beards burning flags or strapping bombs and running through woods, then again I always miss the action so what the hell do I know?

I tell you what Leeds does have and to me this is a new phenomenon- and it’s happening more in major towns across the UK and makes you kind of want to own an AK47 and go crazy....its drunken screaming at night. I am not talking about three people having a sing song and believe me I am from Glasgow the city of madness, religious hatred and angry football violence, I know a mental city when I see one and I know what they sound like.

Leeds, Newcastle, Nottingham, Cardiff and like minded cities on late night weekends are just full of drunken people walking about screaming, eating and trying to not walk into moving cars.

It’s as if some fucked up psychotic film director is standing atop a Victorian monument and persuading the crowds of young people to squeal till their throats bleed. Alcohol is the main factor and possibly an overload of processed meats mixed with a glut of ‘express yourself go girlfriend’ loud stupid TV shows. After the gig I walk back to a city centre hotel and literally have to dodge through the screaming fuck wits like a light footed first league footballer. They stand in crowds just simply screaming, arguing and yelling unintelligible shit, some of them fall and burst open their heads and some women prefer standing in city bus shelters and yell at full pitch, so the loud noise resonates through the glass walls and makes the fillings in your back teeth pierce and rattle. There are urban foxes somewhere begging for silence, I blame the human attacks from feral animals on this late night caterwauling. The animals deserve their revenge is all am saying.

I don’t recall screaming when I was younger growing up in Glasgow and I will tell you why.

In Glasgow if you screamed in the street and it wasn’t the result of violence or sudden death and you startled people....They would inflict violence on you for scaring them. You have to have good valid reason for making that noise and it better be good. Other than that we tolerate the odd singing gang of drunks heading down the street but just barely.

In my city streets we get loud teams of shouty wankers during football or marching season. (Marching season is when The Orange walk come through town and sing songs about not liking other Christians- look it up if you don’t understand, it’s called sectarianism and has nothing to do with secretaries) anyway we have our share of shouters but nothing on the scale of English cities that are destinations towns for party/stag and hen weekends.

The worst part is trying to sleep in a city centre hotel. The noise levels can be horrific and that’s when you wish you had the gun. You know that one woman screeching “Stevie” at 3am on the street corner for about an hour? She would be in my sights and you know those loud girls in pink glittery pink cowboy hats singing “Here come the girls?” down the hotel corridor? They would be splattered as I went trigger happy.

I would take those fuckers out along with the fat baldy checked-shirted- bedecked kebab fingering hotel door kicking men with one rat-a-tat with my big angry gun and happily suffer the consequences.

Okay, am exaggerating and glorifying violence but if they think it’s all right to trap me in a lift and suggest I would like a gang bang in their room then I can think about them dying in a hotel corridor as I run about like something from a menopausal version of Black Ops with my control pants full of weaponry.

Anyway violence is bad but when did adults start running about city streets yelling through big angry mouths? I don’t recall getting the twat memo that says- stop being a responsible adult with a full time job, get badly dressed in mad made fibres and go shout at cars in a strange city- did you get that memo?

It’s becoming the blight of my life. I love comedy and I don’t mind the shouters in the comedy club because I can control them, it’s when I just put my head down to sleep that the madness really kicks in every Friday and Saturday night and doesn’t calm till about 4am.

Bars in these towns advertise that you get drunk as much as you possibly can for as little cash as possible and then they let you stagger out into their granite towns to hit the statuesque squares with your own brand of pissing, vomiting and screaming at stone lions and cenotaphs. The dead soldiers of world wars would be horrified if they could see what happens above ground but then again isn’t this the freedom that they fought for? People died in the trenches so generations down the line could drunkenly scream at their monuments in the moonlight whilst full of cheap cider.

In retrospect writing this has made me realise maybe our culture of drunken screaming does help blow off steam and lets the society feel less intense within itself....what’s the opposite? Religious, pious rule makers taking over and shutting everyone up....no, I think the answer is earplugs and tolerance. Peace out.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 61

2011-09-08T00:06:00.004Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 61 of Janey Godley’s podcast the argumentative duo debate the serious issue of the Twin Tower attacks on 9/11 in New York. Janey gives us a rundown of her week which includes getting stung by a wasp and getting caught topless at the window at 3am. Ashley lets us into her weird world of strange websites, funny stories around the globe and vagina cramps.

The pair have a go at making up Daily Mail fake headlines and Janey discovers she can make her breast into the shape of a famous man’s face. There are questions answered, arguments further inflamed and some nominal name dropping as the mother and daughter batter out their thoughts for podcast listeners.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 61

Stings and Things

2011-09-04T22:25:00.000Z

Few things make me feel tiny and sad and hearing my dad tell me he tried to go to the Transport museum on his own this morning is one of those things. He got on a bus to Georges Square in Glasgow to catch a bus to the museum, but there was a marathon race on in the city centre and he got overwhelmed with the crowds and just headed home. The thought of him being pushed about in crowds and feeling vulnerable makes me feel deeply scared for him.

It makes me sad; because he wanted to go somewhere and at almost 80 years old he didn’t bother asking me and tried to go on his own. He was heading somewhere where there were heaps of families all milling around and he would be that one wee man on his own. Why didn’t I think to ask him? Why did I sleep to midday and not notice his loneliness? I hate feeling like this, this guilt and stupidity when in actual fact he likes going places on his own and feels independent. Having an elderly parent is amazing and also a blessing but don’t get me wrong but I always worry he will die the minute I step on a plane to another country. Paranoid and negative I know, but I also know am not alone with this worry, I have heard other people with elderly parents say the same thing. I just say aloud on here.

Yet I always feel I should be doing more, since my step mum died over two years ago he has been doing well, and he doesn’t want me to feel like I need to look after him.

Still imagine you were at the transport museum and saw a wee man in a beige jacket with a slight limp and a skip hat walking round alone, would you look at him and think ‘that’s a shame he is on his own, where is his family?’ or would think ‘look that wee man does things himself?’ I don’t know but it makes me feel sad that I wasn’t there to help him today.

I was asleep after being up half the night as I got stung with a wasp on the ankle that sneaked into my bed at 3am. All those years of avoiding wasps and screaming through worldwide parkland areas to get away from the dreaded sting and the thing finally got me at my weakest, asleep and tucked up in bed. How did a wasp get under my duvet? Why?

So now am all healed up after my screaming fit in the middle of the night (I am sure the neighbours think am a battered wife) I am going to organise a trip for dad out to the transport museum. In fact, I am signing off this blog and going up to see him now.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 60

2011-08-31T22:52:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 60 of Janey Godley’s podcast the chatty duo take on Wotton Bassett and their thoughts on grief tourism; they debate the real issues behind propaganda and the war. Ashley gives us some creepy real life facts of strange couples and Janey name drops Bill Murray and explains her special dance moves.

The comedy duo discusses their favourite moments of Celeb Big Brother and debate the validity of vacuous famous people of no real talent. Ashley tells the horrific story of a child who gets turned into a yam and then gets into the heavy subject of how she lost her faith after watching a movie about the mass illegal deportation of children- all of this plus the tale of the multi genitaled couple.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 60

Stuff and words

2011-08-28T22:57:00.000Z

Just back from London and I have to say I love the Soho Theatre more than ever, now it has moved downstairs to the cabaret space. I did miss Edinburgh Fringe which I unexpectedly fell in love with all over again by NOT doing a one woman show. I am sure I have bored you all about my happy time at Edinburgh.

London was buzzing last week and I did miss all my comedy buddies and the vibe of the fringe, but I do also adore Soho and its unique blend of madness. I saw my favourite transvestite, the man who dresses as a milk maid on Saturday but is a traffic warden during the week.

The past week in London was cracking fun, me and my pal Shirley caught up with my dear pal Monica and all my circle of pals in my fav city. The last night of Soho run I ended up partying very late and managed a disco night which included some awesome dancing with Bill Murray my favourite American actor – I know how bizarre? He was charming and a pretty good mover!

I also met an awesome wee guy called Starbuck Coleman who works for an MP and who carried a book called CHAVS and who was passionate about how the working classes are demonised by the word. He was so lovely, posh and so caring and was everything the name Starbuck wasn’t! I just loved that he cared about not labelling people and his name will stay with me always. Bless...his parents must have been back from Morocco and pretty high the week he was born....Starbuck!

Anyway on my last night in Soho, I decided that I would stay up very late, pack quickly at last minute and head to Euston train station at 7am and not worry about lack of sleep, so that’s what I did. All sounds so easy doesn’t it? Throwing computers and knickers into a case and dragging it through London! But me and Shirley arrived safely at a busy and cramped train station. The platform was announced and the crowd surged forward.

The problem was my friend has some mobility issue with her hip and when we got dragged en masse down onto platform at Euston we somehow got separated. I had jumped onto the first available - first class carriage and Shirley ended up way down front of train which was mobbed out and chaotic.

The seating plan went tits up and it was first come first served, so even my carriage was now heaving. So my pal Shirley was effectively isolated without a seat and yet I had two seats secured, so we called each other on the phone. Turns out she couldn’t walk down the train towards me here at the back of the train for two reasons, one- the train was over booked and people were all over the floors and two- the trains were separate trains that were hooked together up the front and no way you could walk through and so she had to physically come out of her carriage to get to mine.

So, after the scramble for seats, the train also broke down. I waited till the train set off again, checked Shirley was ok (she was sitting in the guards box up the front train) and I set off to ask the guard at the back about getting Shirley down to her seat.

“Where is she?” the guard barked at me.

“She is up the front, we got separated and someone is in our official seats, but I have seats for us both here” I explained and pointed to my seats. “She is disabled, so when the train stops at Milton Keynes can you make sure she will have time to walk down from the top train to here?”

“As long as she doesn’t doddle” he added.

“We don’t call it doddling, she is disabled, and we call it walking slow and carefully” I stated.

“How long will she take?” he infuriatingly asked.

I sighed out loud and said “well we haven’t timed her lately, we did mean to get round to it but we haven’t done it sorry” my sarcasm didn’t escape the bloke who was the train cleaner standing beside the pedantic guard. He snorted out loud and giggled.

“Well, we will see what we can do” said the train guard.

“Look, I need you to get to the point where you will say, ‘yes we will aid your disabled pal best we can for her to get from one over crowded carriage to this one’ can we do that?” I snapped.

Finally at Milton Keynes the train stopped, I jumped off and ran down the platform under the watchful beady eye of the guard and managed to help Shirley up to our part of the train, then at the last minute he indicated by shouting and pointing that we ‘get on there’ which was the door before the one we wanted to board. So we clambered onto the train with a suitcase and landed on top of heaps of people on the floor.

A baldy tall angry man and his wife glared at us, the man wiped his hand over his sticky forehead and shouted “There are NO SEATS in there” and he pointed at the carriage where I had two seats secured with my luggage and coats. I supposed he assumed we had just boarded the train at Milton Keynes and that we had no knowledge of the crushed train from hell and to be honest I couldn’t be bothered explaining. So he just watched me and Shirley board that train, climb over their cramped bodies and luggage and walk to a miraculous empty seat – let me tell you that annoyed him the whole journey and at every chance he got, he quizzed me about my seat. I never fully explained and left him seething.

I tweeted Virgin trains and explained the whole situation, they have suggested we get a refund and that’s exactly what I will be doing. Train journeys do make up a big part of my blogging and train companies need to know we have power at our finger tips, the prices we pay for trains and the general way we are treated is abhorrent and we should all complain!

Where have I been?

2011-08-26T08:17:00.001Z

Yep, been about a month since I blogged and am blaming the Edinburgh fringe. I know! I didn’t even do a show this year, for the first time since 2002 I never actually put on a comedy show, I merely hung out and boy was I surprised. Firstly, I never realised how many people I dislike and can avoid easily and cannot believe how many people I now love and made new friends with. I had more productive meetings, castings and gigs NOT doing a fringe!

I got to hang out with Steve O him of Jackass fame, and Tom Green of Freddy Got Fingered fame and just so many amazing comics, playwrights and cool dudes. I have to say though my old buddy Paul Provenza has a show at fringe called The Set List Show where comics go onstage and in 15 seconds get told what subjects they have to weave into a live set. It is the most exhilarating frightening satisfying comedy show I have ever done – so much so I did it five times and with gusto! It’s like that very first gig; I wanted to keep doing it till it broke me like a bad boyfriend!

So here I am finally updating my blog which am ashamed of ignoring but seriously people I was out till 7am some mornings partying like I was born in 1999. The other news is Ashley has been performing in an awesome sketch troupe and finally didn’t have to produce my show after 10 years; she has been my fringe anchor since she was 15 and she deserved a break. I haven’t been to see her show as she doesn’t want me there and I respected that but glowed under the amazing comments everyone has been giving the show she worked in. So proud of my girl.

So here I am in London sitting in the dark after midnight writing a blog, wondering if anyone missed me and wondering if you are still there listening to me after 7 years of blogging. I am at Soho Theatre this week and it’s been amazing getting to do a one woman show again!

By the way, I have had weird dreams about my dog Major, he died in 1975 and yet as darkness falls and the sound of my own breath comforts me, I slip back into my skinny teen body and run through the park as Major runs ahead, barking and encouraging me to chase him. I wake up exhilarated and with a new spring of joy in my step, it doesn’t make me sad, I get to see him again.

So I have come back blog readers, and am not being lazy anymore, please keep coming back to see me?

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 59

2011-08-24T21:58:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 59 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the Mother is away so the daughter can play. While Janey performs at the Soho theatre in London Ashley introduces two of her best friends, Victoria and Bobby, to Podcasting and what ensues is probably one of the most disgusting moments in this podcast’s history.

Urban legends are dissected while the possibility of mind reading through technology is debated, Victoria gives us a taste of middle class holidaying in France and Ashley brings more bizarre news. They discuss the finer points of dog ownership and the girls decide to embarrass Ashley by outing a possible love interest…

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 59

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 58

2011-08-18T00:54:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 58 of Janey Godley’s podcast the outspoken mother and daughter comedy duo discuss Dappy, Steve O and Brad Pitt as Janey goes for a name dropping extravaganza. The Edinburgh fringe gets a mention as Janey rants about her favourite comedy gig The Set List Show.

Ashley tells us her weird facts, a medical drama and her footballer of the week. Janey gives us her take on shark attacks and they both natter at length about Ashley’s show Alchemy E1 on at fringe this weekend. The potty mouth duo answers some podcast questions and Ashley talks about synthetic vaginas.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 58

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 57

2011-08-11T00:06:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 57 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the mother and daughter comedy duo chew the cud over the English riots, the sociological view of why Scotland is riot free and why the government has failed its own people. Ashley gives us a rundown of her festival experience and Janey talks about her visit to the world’s biggest arts festival.

Ashley reveals her secret sexual boyfriend which makes for much hysteria and the TV show Dallas gets its big comeback when the twosome discuss its appeal back in the 80s. Janey demands that the weather system is explained to her and Ashley makes an impassioned plea not to explain the connection to American comedian Tom Green.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 57

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 56

2011-08-04T19:20:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 56 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the mother and daughter comedy duo discuss the Ice Cream Wars, the Edinburgh fringe and Janey’s propensity to talking about bowel disasters. Ashley delves into the ridiculous world of ‘Take a Break’ magazine and the psychic pony that makes predictions.

Angels and ghosts that do international travel make a stunning conversation piece and Ashley finally gives us details about her performance at the fringe. News stories are wrapped up between stupid funny facts and Ashley ends the podcast giving a visual description of her mother’s nipples.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 56

Life makes me stay awake

2011-07-31T22:59:00.002Z

“Janey, you awake?” my husband asked me at 5am. “No am fast asleep fuck off” I answered, truth was I was wide awake, I was wriggling about and doing pretzel shapes and trying to switch my brain off. One minute I was drifting off into a submerged world of shifting memories, me and my dog Major galloping at speed across Greenfield park, then my mammy standing beside the sink dabbing my face with a cloth then I was suddenly awake again...like I was falling through layers of my life and getting a snapshot of the visions. I miss my dog and my mammy.

Am rather discombobulated lately, those of you who know me will be expecting me to be prepared for the Edinburgh fringe, and those of you who have been paying attention will know this year, am not doing a one woman show. Every year since 2002 I have done a one woman show and on some years as much three different shows a day for the whole run. I just decided this year not to do it. But good news is, I will be going through for some gigs and heaps of slots and the chance to see shows that I can enjoy without worrying about my own show!

Unusually Ashley is doing some shows at Fringe, she is in a show called Alchemy it’s on every weekend – she is doing sketches etc and am so happy that she gets to enjoy her fringe without producing my show as she has done for about ten years! Go Ashley!

I am having a great year actually- having been to Adelaide, Singapore and Canada with Ashley on tour – I feel as if I am the luckiest person in the world to be doing a job I love and enjoy. I didn’t think I would have a decent year since my brother died on December 31st last year, the good thing Jim taught me was to live a bit and don’t look back. I am doing that now.

The holiday in Salt Spring Island was amazing and I still miss Sarah and her two awesome dogs Parker and Abbey. But you have to realise that you cannot spend your life going on holiday week in and week out sometimes life catches up and you end up back on a train or plane heading to the next gig. Talking about gigs, every time I step onstage with a comic who says “hey I was on TV recently” they normally die on their arse onstage, isn’t that funny at least in an ironic way?

Had fun on twitter- I love watching comics suck up to famous TV comics yet backstage and in company they slag them to death, the shallow two faced-ness of it all makes me somehow warm inside. It’s the same as how Michael McIntyre really riles the likes of Stewart Lee (as was much reported lately) I am not a huge fan of MM but by fuck do I enjoy how he annoys at least 400 comics on the circuit, it makes me giggle that the ‘intelligentsia’ of comedy hate him. But the public will get what the public wants and Mr McIntyre is what they want!

It almost equates to the level of unbridled hatred that ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ the comedy show that won a BAFTA received en masse Mrs Brown’s Boys just about reduced half of the comedy circuit to suicide with anger and spitting hatred at their ‘Irish shenanigans’ all sorts of abuse and screams of ‘lifting of material’ went on. Truth is, I never saw it and have never enjoyed men dressed as women on telly, and we have women to do that job.

So life goes on. By the way have any of you ever listened to the song The Tin Man by America? I love that song but it’s like someone has just randomly picked phrases for a song OR verbalised a dream! “So please believe in me when I say spin around, Oz never did give nothing to the Tin man that he didn’t already have!”

Anyway back to “Janey, are you awake?” husband finally got my attention, I turned round in the wash of dawn light, untangled my legs in the twisted duvet and leaned over to him and whispered “What is it?” he looked at me with strained blinking eyes, his pupils adjusting to the light flooding into the room and said “Did you remember to pay your tax bill?”

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 55

2011-07-29T19:28:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 55 of Janey Godley’s podcast the comedy mother and daughter combo discuss cancelled TV comedy shows, the state of the nation, the appreciation of Boris Johnson and the stupidity of Glen Beck. The recent atrocities in Norway get debated as do terror attacks in general.

Ashley guides us through a plethora of subjects including Ed Miliband’s nose job and Janey witters about her recent press junket to Sky 1’s forthcoming comedy releases. Ashley has a sudden outburst of comedy honesty and slags off a few comics and makes Janey clench. They both end the show without a city of the week but a dedication.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 55

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 54

2011-07-21T19:46:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 54 of Janey Godley’s podcast the jetlagged duo discuss Rupert Murdoch’s wife and the cream pie incident at the select committee, they give an opinion on the latest comedy TV shows. Ashley gives a rundown of the return journey from Vancouver and the horrific turbulence that scared them both.

Janey and Ashley rant about aero dynamic cyclists and their need for suction tight Lycra. They both round the podcast off by chatting about Janey turning into an angry freak as she slowly shakes off the hippy vibe of Salt Spring Island.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 54

British Colombia

2011-07-18T17:31:00.001Z

Thats where I am right now as I write this blog- sitting in a sun drenched lounge on Salt Spring island. If you know your American TV drama’s then this place looks like a cross between Everwood and The Gilmore Girls, it’s a small town by the bay. We had to get a ferry from Vancouver and they have no real internal bus service, so you have to hitchhike everywhere!

My mate Sarah who is our host lives in a tiny settling near Vesuvius harbour with two small dogs of complete opposite personalities, they are funny as hell. Her grandparents built this place back in the 50s and it’s like a proper pioneer wooden slated house, it’s amazing. The nearest town is Ganges (where did these odd names come from?) and it’s so cute, the island has a Mormon church built by an aging rock star but no Mormons and the other church shares its faiths under one roof. The people stop to pick you up and they have wee huts that sell jam, beef and other stuff at the side of the road. You take the wares and they trust you to deposit the cash faithfully. They have a harbour with amazing seafood shops and the sun shines brightly on the island where nobody locks their doors or cars! Being a fast city dweller I feel oddly corrupt and evil as I constantly check where my handbag is.

The cinema is a small church and my mate operates the movies their occasionally, it literally is like something out of a TV show....I can’t believe how genuinely nice everyone is. I keep expecting some devil worshiping to be uncovered or some secret drug ring within the aging community of smiling deer petters, how can all of these people be so cool? They drive ancient old cars which make it feel more like we have invaded an old TV set and even the young teen’s wave hello as they sit in the park by the bay. I need evil angry folk to make me feel am alive and doesn’t that show you how fucked up and shallow I am?

To keep us occupied in this utopia of wild life and happiness Ashley and I have started to create back stories and fake lives for the people we meet. You know that Old Dutch bloke with the sausage dog and funny accent? He is a Nazi on the run from his old life...you know the hippy bloke who sings songs outside the ice cream parlour? He is a former FBI investigator whose brain got fried for asking too many questions about the Iraq War now he makes wooden sparkle twisty tubes that he claims he invented and holds them up to your eyes and they dazzle you in the sunlight as he plays a didgeridoo. You know the dashing sea captain who drives round the harbour he was a bad boy from New York who started Club 54 and used to date Bianca Jagger before the mob got to him and he laundered dirty money, now he catches crab in Canada. Of course none of this is true; it’s just us making up stuff to make us happy.

There are deer running wild outside our door and the beach with sunsets each night to dazzle the brain and two funny dogs who alternate between sedate and mental and Ashley and I cannot be happier....why didn’t we know about this place before? Who decided Salt Spring Island would be a secret? You can canoe round the bay, you can hike, you can go crabbing, sit on the beach, eat in great restaurants and visit great art studios on one island with the sun beating down....why didn’t we all know about this before you all went and spent money on Ibiza and Caribbean islands?

Ashley and I have had to slow our pace down and get used to NOT screaming when a deer comes running out of the hedge and sniffs at you, we need to also accept every time someone says “Aw we love the fawns” they do not mean Henry Winkler. We need to stop flapping when baby rabbits come out like a carpet of bouncy fur and nearly knock you on your ass trying to avoid stepping on them. We also need to stop screaming at big giant birds that come down to stare at us as we walk on the road hitch hiking. We are living in a DISNEY movie and all that wild life is scary when its real and basically you are getting in its way.

I will never recover from the look of disgust when a big deer stared at me as I yelped at her appearance and her baby deer got a fright at my stupid noisy mouth. I am sure even my accent bewildered her. I don’t know the protocol of where to walk to the let the deer past, they trot like snooty Kensington mothers who have encountered someone eating chips in the street.

The two weeks I have been here have been magical; I even did a comedy gig at the Local Pub, now get this in the middle of the show the local police walked in and nobody batted an eyelid. I have never had the police crash a gig, not even in the boondocks of roughest Glasgow; I had to come to the isle of hippies to have that happen. The audience didn’t even look at the policeman except to nod and say “Hi Steve how’s your mom?” The show went great and the folk from Salt Spring loved having a comedian for the night.

Ashley meanwhile went to a summer party on a farm and got up to rap with an Aussie band called The Deckchairs who were playing for the night, and then she sat round a campfire and toasted marshmallows with the kids. Seriously this place is like a Disney movie.

My mate Sarah has two wee dogs Lakeland terriers called Parker and Abbey, Parker is calm and funny like an old man and Abbey the girl is just a mental blur and they have been a joy to be around. I will miss them so much and there will be tears when we leave those faces behind. Sarah who has been amazing to give us such a place to stay, I will be in her debt forever.

Though she did play a funny trick on Ashley and I, she and Arnie the local crab boat owner got us up early to go to Chocolate Island (there is no chocolate, in fact there is NOTHING on this small island...in fact that might even be a made up name) they told us it was awesome with nice shops and they dropped us off on the tiny beach which was made up of sharp broken shells in their millions. That was hell to walk on with wet boat feet. Ashley and I walked up the hill to find the imaginary coffee shop and all we could hear was “Grrroowwl” convinced that we had stumbled on a bear; we ran downhill falling into small divots and twisted our ankles on big stones. We bumped into two hippies who had canoes and were packing up to leave; they laughed their asses off listening to our hunt for coffee shops on the deserted island of broken shells. To make things worse Ashley had stomach pain and we started wondering how we would survive on a deserted island, it became clear that I was to fashion a boat or kill a hippy to steal his boat and swim to shore, as Ashley slept on a big flat driftwood log. Soon Arnie and Sarah came back and howled with laughter and took us away from ‘Broken Shell like Broken Glass Island’.

So with a million insect bites (Ashley has none) and a new heap of friends under our belts it’s with a heavy heart that we start to pack up and go home. I will miss this quaint, funny and extremely peaceful island where nobody locks cars and lost phones are returned to owners and the two lone taxi drivers know everyone’s names and the smell of patchouli isn’t far from your nostril....I will be back Salt Spring and this time for longer.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 53

2011-07-13T23:15:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 53 of Janey Godley’s podcast the chatty duo get down and dirty about the inner gossip of Salt Spring Island where they are still on holiday. Janey wishes her dad a happy birthday. The story of the Fonz and the sexy farmers gets an airing, the local tourist run gets a critique and Ashley bitches about cheese.

The Salt Spring open mic night features as does the latest developments back in the UK with the on-going News International scandal. Ashley gets thrown sideways and angry about news of young men released by a judge over child abuse and Janey lets the family dogs in who proceed to fight as the recording goes on.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 53

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 52

2011-07-07T22:06:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 52 of Janey Godley’s podcast the dynamic duo celebrate the first birthday of their podcasting career. They are recorded live from Salt Spring Island in British Columbia in Canada.

They discuss the downfall of The News of the World newspaper and all the shenanigans involved, they talk hippy and explain the transport system of the small island. Their journey on boat and plane make for an interesting story and Ashley gets the lowdown on the village in seconds of arriving. Janey fell down some stairs and a man touched Ashley’s nipple on the flight.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 52

Plagiarisms

2011-07-01T07:49:00.001Z

I have discovered and much to my own annoyance that people don’t want my opinion. Who knew? Not me. Standing last week in a bookshop (my favourite place) I offered to give a rundown of what books are good to read to a woman standing staring at the shelves. You see, always travelling or being bored or being married for 30 years I find reading lots of books helps me to stop killing the people who I live with.

This apparently doesn’t pass as a reading expert – as the woman who told me to shut up proved. Therefore my point is, we might think what we have to say is riveting but most times it’s flawed or unwanted.

Celebrated Journalist and former Iraq war supporter (what a screwy mistake that was) Johann Hari who writes for The Independent newspaper in the UK got caught plagiarising other people’s words and opinions (not mine – clearly or the Iraq War piece would have read differently) and he had to serve up a big apology which wasn’t really an apology, just an explanation of why he did it- (a bit like my cousin saying I stole your purse coz I wanted booze).

Hari faced a cluster of fresh copying allegations on Wednesday, as bloggers uncovered several examples of where the Orwell prize-winning writer appeared to have inserted quotes into interviews that looked to have come from elsewhere. (I plagiarized this from Guardian writer Dan Sabbagh in the spirit of this article- but defeated the purpose by explaining who wrote it, which makes me a better more honest writer that Johann Hari)

The world of twitter went into meltdown as a bunch of other smug journalists went on a rampage of abuse as Hari was self flagellating on his column about his apparent ‘mistakes’.

Which brings me back to me to the bookstore incident and back to the woman who told me to shut up as “you are just reading what it says on the back cover, thats not your opinion, thats other peoples words” although I did offer up my synopsis, with finger puppet theatre, noises and funny voices – she still wasn’t interested, she stomped off on search of a manager to get me thrown out of the Richard and Judy book corner.

Two things here, don’t tell things you find interesting to folk you have never met before and always make sure its original if you do, as random strangers are picky about those details. As were the public over the Johann Hari incident.

Talking about plagiarism, it’s a risky business and in comedy it’s difficult to prove, there have been recent incidents with comedians having big hissy fits and quite rightly so over complete newbie’s getting up on TV talent shows across the globe and ripping off club comics material. It’s also known in the business that TV writers go round the clubs and ‘lift material’ for their latest project. Poor comics know nowt until they hear their prized funny material coming out of the gob of a ‘comic actor’ in a TV sitcom or TV stand up show!

The worst case recently was Jim Tavare’s unique musical act allegedly being duplicated right down from his musical style to his bald head by an so called impersonator, I won’t name him but you can see it all if you Google Jim Tavare and read his blog, then make your own decision.

The problem with plagiarism in comedy is that other people CAN think of stuff like you and do it onstage, nothing really is unique and it’s hard to prove. Single subject topics cannot be exclusive to one comedian - imagine male wanking stories were only allowed to be allotted to one boy comic? Imagine only one person was allowed to talk about being fat or working an Iphone? The circuit would die. But when you blatantly rip off a comic’s routine word for word or their entire image and genre of comedy then you are a tit and will be shamed on the internet, especially if you do it on live TV like would be Aussie comic Jordan Paris did last week and was slammed when he tried his own material and died on his stupid ass. You really do need other people’s material if you are a really bad comic like him though.

Besides plagiarism, I wanted to mention my recent TV appearance on BBC defending the Palestinians and railing against the Israeli’s. Now I know a 20 minute public debate with me getting shouty won’t solve anything but the level of emails from Israeli people threatening and screaming at me, has been quite annoying and to that man that shouted at me in the Glasgow I Cafe- screw you mate ‘It’s an illegal occupation’ or as I like to call it plagiarising a land – now leave me alone. I am off to write a new book about a girl who sells matches in her bare feet in London around the time Oliver lived; it’s going to be a cracking best seller.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 51

2011-06-30T00:56:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 51 of Janey Godley’s podcast the mother and daughter discuss Glastonbury performances, the plight of the British Ballet scene and plagiarism. Janey brings porn to the table and Ashley seems well versed on the subject which surprises her mother.

Ashley gives us a full round up of the 1962 classic film ‘That Touch of Mink’ which has an amazing plotline worth investigating and Janey talks of the film premier she attended in Glasgow ‘Fast Romance’. Scottish tennis star Andy Murray gets support from the podcast duo and Janey gives up some life coaching tips.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 51

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 50

2011-06-23T00:55:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 50 of Janey Godley’s podcast the mother and daughter on their big 50th episode discuss Jackass’s Ryan Dunn’s death, George Clooney’s single status and Janey’s appearance on The Big Question on BBC last week.

There are many celeb voice over’s and Kevin Bridges the Scottish comic makes a rare appearance, as does internet hit sensation The Wee Man. Ashley reveals her plans for Edinburgh Fringe and Janey gives us her fringe show picks. Both them discuss Janey’s the excitement of having over 100,000 listeners weekly and answer some web questions.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 50

Sexy Time

2011-06-17T22:58:00.002Z

There comes a time when you realise you are old and that time comes when you moan about pop stars who get their vag out for a song on the telly. Ok, maybe getting their VAG out was a bit of a stretch and we are in the throes of a sexual revolution regards the UK trying to stop the sexualisation of kids, but some pop songs are very dirty aren’t they? When I was young that sort of imagery was porn, watching young people grind their crotches together and consistently flashing their pubes through sheer underwear...was shocking, now it’s normal.

I am not a prude- I once had a dirty snog up an alley and almost frightened a family of stray cats- and I do hate any kind of censorship as the freedom of speech is at the very heart of what being a comedian is, but should Nicole Scherzinger really have been on Britain’s Got Talent singing in some odd patois accent “I like it when me man go down down” and points at her vag as she thrusts it full force at screen? My eight year old niece was trying to gyrate like her as this was going on, much to the horror of her mum who switched over quickly and they all missed the end of Britain’s Got Talent final.

I know Madonna way back in the day got her nips out and snogged a black Jesus and upset lots of Middle American people and I was there when Frankie went to Hollywood and told us when to ‘come’ it all seems somehow tame when you have Rhianna in an S&M outfit with SLUT on the butt as she sings about being fucked and punched on a music channel during daytime.

My real issue lies with adult women (well ...mothers to be precise) who buy their wee seven year old daughters a padded bra and some pink thongs to wear to a ‘girlie party’. I am hoping its mothers who buy this shit, because if it is fathers...then that’s odd. Anyway, what woman thinks it’s ok to make their tiny child look ‘dirty sexy?’

Ashley still bemoans the fact I made her wear a ‘cotton rich frock covered in fruits of the forest berries printed all over it with a white Peter Pan Collar and knee length frilled hem’ to her 12 year old disco at Laurel Park School and she has never forgotten the denim dungaree outfit with white cotton shirt set that made her an object of fun at summer camp.

I didn’t want her wearing a bra until she positively HAD TO and as for sexualised clothing, her dad almost wept when he deposited her at the disco door in the fruits of the forest dress when he saw some of her class mates in midriff lycra and high heeled boots over a tiny mini skirt.
He wanted to vomit as the wee girls shook their bums and flirted with bigger boys outside the venue, Ashley wanted to cry knowing she looked like Little House on the Prairie girl in her flat shoes and berry red hair clips. Nobody wins the fight of the pre teen girl, but it’s up to parents to use good common sense. I believe traumatising them in horrid red berry cotton prints usually stops them getting a peacock sense of sexual behaviour and prevents early ‘boyfriend syndrome’ ...it works! Ask Ashley, nobody can preen and be flirty in a knee length frock covered in raspberries.

On a serious note, we don’t want to believe that how you dress incites sexual assault and it really doesn’t --despite some small minded wankers who insist that it does. But it’s not about that, it’s about letting girls grow up and the rate they need to, I know there are some twelve year old girls who can get away with a more mature sense of fashion but that still doesn’t include a padded bra and some diamante thongs on show with a latex mini dress. Mums and dads need to show a bit more savvy when dressing their kids, I can’t speak about boys clothing as I have never dressed a son and am sure they have their own issues, but really a padded plunge cleavage bra for a seven year old girl? I don’t think so.

So, pop stars need to rethink their masturbatory habits on tea time telly and parents need to be more responsible when wondering if their pre teen daughters need a boob lift bra.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 49

2011-06-16T12:13:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In Episode 49 of Janey Godley’s podcast the mother and daughter discuss Philosophy in comedy, pavement cyclists and Ashley’s rant about theme dressers (again). Janey talks about the East Enders gay scandal and Ashley picks the subject up and debates gay imagery on television.

Janey meanwhile gets the whole debate about Blacksploitation totally upside down and they both tell ghost stories about their past. There are heaps of questions to be answered from twitter and facebook and they tackle questions in their own inimitable way. There are some early picks of the Edinburgh fringe from Janey and Ashley does a Murder Story.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 49

OH NO! IT SEEMS I'M BRINGING THE HOUSE DOWN

2011-06-12T12:14:00.001Z

WHY is it that when one appliance in my home packs in, the rest of the house joins in? Just before I flew to London last week, my entire home in Glasgow went into meltdown and began a systematic assault on me.

The dial that controls my washing machine decided it had been twisted enough in its lifespan and fell off in pieces. On hearing this tragic news, the electrical element in my storage heater threw a hissy fit, blew a fuse and refused to heat the living-room.

I ran to the wardrobe to pull out a cardigan and the mirror doors jammed in a sock that lay itself on the runners like a crumpled soul, so then the door came off and clattered on top of me.

This horrifying news about the suicidal sock got spread to the bathroom by means that I am not entirely sure of, and the toilet pan seat slammed itself down in anger and broke in half.

The shower head (which hates to be left out of any drama) decided to pack up and started spraying water in all directions like a deformed penis. The last toilet roll got soaked in the process and dripped sadly on to the carpet.

The roller blind in the bathroom came out in sympathy and fell off the window and hit my glass jar that sat sleepily on the ledge. The glass jar didn't take the assault well and broke into six pieces.

The hallway must have felt very bereft, as it had housed the glass jar in the past, so its grief made the clothes rail in the hall-entry pop a few pegs and all the coats got jammed behind the cupboard door. The noise resonated throughout the flat, and the coats looked like dead people in heap.

At that point, the lock on the outside door made a terrifying noise as a key was inserted into its hole. The lock cried "rape" – it broke and jammed half a key inside its dark belly, refusing to give it up.

If this wasn't enough, a scented candle on my window ledge hissed oddly, let the wind pick it up and tossed it out of my top-floor bedroom window, taking a tub of talcum with it, and smashed dangerously on to the car park beneath, scaring the wee boys who smoke out the back court.

The mixture of melted splattered blue wax and white talcum looked intriguingly artistic. Fifty more yards into the West End and that would have been a community art installation and a European grant would have secured the site.
Despite its potential as a future Turner Prize winner, I had to go down and clean it up.

The broom took one look at the situation and promptly lost its head. The broom can be temperamental and has been known to be incredibly idle in the past. It houses a family of spiders and takes pride in not disturbing them.

The fridge in the kitchen (which has always been a known self-harmer) managed to break its plastic door shelf and blew a light, just for attention.

The oven ignored the cry to arms and stoically radiated heat from its fan, but then got too excited, overdid itself and blew the thermostat. We had to eat cold lasagne, because the microwave is working on a defrost-only basis since I ignored the constipated noise it was making at Christmas. It has been trying hard to get some attention, but I declared it cheap and stupidly said aloud one day: "We can buy another one for thirty quid."

On hearing this, the microwave gave up trying to please me. It felt cheapened and dirty.

On realising there was a domestic appliance revolt on my hands, I quickly ran to the sink and shoved bleach down the plughole, as it is usually the prime dissident in the ranks. I caught it just in time, as it was slowly attempting to choke itself on rice crispies and red kidney beans, but I force-fed it hot water through a funnel and it relented. For now. But I know that it's planning a second assault and is patiently waiting on thick porridge oats coming down to help it out.

The rest of the flat stayed quiet. I was too scared to open a door in case it slammed back and jammed my fingers.

(originally written for and published in Scotsman newspaper)

My laziness knows no bounds

2011-06-09T20:16:00.002Z

I haven’t written a blog in ages. I am sorry, been upside down and round about. Last week Ashley and I were in London as the Groucho Club and my mate Monica got together and threw me a belated 50th Birthday party. Personally I hate birthday parties but this one was stunning, a few faces from my past and pals from my present turned up- I was so touched. Ashley even got gifts she got a Chopard watch and I got a fancy Louis Vittion Scarf, smashing Penhaligon candle, a stunning funny holy pepper mill and an awesome cupcake from Harvey Nichols. There were lots of other gifts, but my brain is dead and I felt like fraud as my birthday was back in January and this belated party was in June. Oh and the Groucho gave me the most amazing big chocolate cake! It was delish.

Staying in Soho is always exciting, I still giggle thinking about discussing babies and motherhood with the man who played James Bond; I get flushes recalling sitting beside Noel Gallagher and trying to be cool as ice, and meeting up with Sadie the Scottish homeless woman who always gives me the latest news and a pet at her dog Speedy! I love Soho.

Things have been good. The comedy world is heating up for the Edinburgh Fringe and as you all know I am not going this year, I just feel the fringe has lost something important and I don’t like it as much as I used to. It’s all about comedians off the TV and nothing to do with the spirit of performing. I am going to Vancouver in July and Soho theatre in August and have some projects lined up. I do hope all my pals going to fringe this year enjoy themselves as much as I used to. If you are going to fringe or have an interest I have compiled a top tips for people to check out, I have done over ten years and 14 shows at fringe.

Top tips for doing an Edinburgh Fringe show

Don’t for a minute assume anyone is going to come to the show unless you are on TV on a weekly basis, so get the best poster you can afford. Make firm EYE contact on poster, make sure the TITLE/YOUR NAME is easy to read and that the VENUE and TIME are not obscured, people won’t waste time looking for it.

Always get your flyering team to come see the show, so they can chat about it to audiences, they MUST be able to point in the direction of the venue or have street knowledge of how to get there on foot. If you don’t have a team make sure you know the lay of the land.

Get front of house staff in venue aware of your name and where you show is inside venue, so when people walk up they can give right information. There is nothing worse than staff saying “I don’t know that show or where it is”

Rent a flat and stay near to the venue as you will be in town all day either flyering and networking or out late, if you have to get a bus or taxi home every night you bump up the budget. Pay the extra cash to be close and expect to pay £3k for a decent 2 bedroom flat with wi/fi parking in Edinburgh.

Watch for other companies giving away free tickets to their otherwise paid show right outside the box office of your venue. That can sorely affect sales and can be dealt with verbally with venue manager if he they can’t solve it harass people who take free tickets by shouting “how shit is their show they have to give away free tickets?” you won’t make friends but the people who can’t sell tickets will move on with their shit free show and decide next year to do the awesome free fringe or free festival and stop standing outside paid venues with free tickets.

Check the Edfringe box office on the High street, flyer the crowd by talking to them but be mindful of other performers up there, again out shout free ticket papering shows, they only undermine the £3k you paid for the flat. Check that staff at Fringe box office in High street knows you, make sure when YOUR show has sold its allocation with Fringe Box office that THEY remind people tickets will/may be available at the venue. Tell the fringe queue this as well at intermittent times.

Check out the half price hut and use that mid week to get people into your show. You might feel cheap but trust me you will see big names up there on that hut and see big comics who pretend they didn’t know their producer did that!
Pay a flyering team decent cash and look after them; they are out there in the rain/wind/rain/sun/rain of Edinburgh telling people about your show. If you under pay them or piss them off they will throw your flyers in a bin and take your money anyway.

Always make up sandwiches and keep them in a bag in your bag AS eating out in Edinburgh is expensive. A sarnie can save you £10 a day in food!
Go see other shows, use this time to see everything you can and get onto every single chat show, variety show that you can.

Press is always going to be an issue, unless you are off the telly, so either pull a huge publicity stunt like killing a real dog near Grey Friars Bobby statue or just do a really good show that get reviewers talking.

Don’t get drunk and scream at TV producers about your show and how they put shit on TV, but always and I mean always watch other comics doing that, it’s the height of hilarity and worth even videoing on your iphone.

Ignore comics who can’t wait to tell you that their shows have sold out AGAIN! And about their latest TV pilot and how they had lunch with Kenton Allen or how JK Rowling comes to see their show every night, it’s all shit, concentrate on your show and do the best you can.

Don’t get worried about the comedy awards especially if you are female or Scottish, it won’t happen, and remember that the sponsors need people already on TV to make their award seem fashionable and a few ‘upbeat’ and ‘quirky’ people in funny ill fitting jumpers who have a niche following. If you don’t wear funny jumpers or have a haircut that looks like a special person with wooden spoons cut it or you are not middle class with facial hair, you are fucked. You won’t get an award.

Don’t be fooled by spending £3k on a PR person, the great odd thing about PR is there is NO GUARANTEE they can get you PR that’s in their contract. Use twitter and Facebook, it’s the way forward.

Always and always be nice to the press people in your venue, they work for shit all cash and the venue will charge you £800/1500 nominal fee to do nominal press work, if they like you they will help. Be nice to the venue ticket staff, they will recall your name and when asked to recommend and show, they will.

Be cool with the tech staff, they work for buttons and can flick a light if you fuck them off.

Draw moustaches and generally defile big giant posters of other comics, they have a sense of humour don’t they? Make sure you do the same to your own poster or you will get caught.

So there we have it, a wee sneaky peek at my ideas for the fringe, hope it helped.
By the way I know you all like a good book recommend, if you like comedy get Sit Down Comedy edited by John Fleming now available in Kindle just Google it and check it out.

So having done my duty as adviser to the fringe and done my book report for this week, I feel as if I have done my blog now and hope I haven’t disappointed everyone with blathering on.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 48

2011-06-09T07:35:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 48 of Janey Godley’s podcast the mother and daughter discuss Nicole from Pussy Cat Dolls sexual dances, gay rape on Hollyoaks and the death of Zippy from Rainbow. We are celebrating John Lees who has been nominated for awards regarding comic books.

The BBC programme Poor Kids gets debated and Janey spits anger about the fascist comments. Al Murray does the celebrity question and Sapphire and Brimstone get a new episode idea. The Bold Alec does a wee shout out and Wayne Rooney’s voice makes us all laugh as Ashley goes full flight on both him and Cheryl Cole’s concept album which is sung at full pelt.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 48

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 47

2011-06-01T23:47:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In the 47th episode of Janey Godley’s podcast the duo discuss Cheryl Cole’s inability to keep a job or a man, the literacy of the nation and they share angst about online Twitter gurus. Colleen Rooney gets a slagging for her online shenanigans. Janey explains how she ruined Glastonbury for a few people and Ashley comes up with a new sitcom idea live on air –‘Sapphire and Diamond/Brimstone’ there is even a song that goes with it.

Ashley suffered a spectacular bout of wind prior to the recording and the results are worth hearing. Janey caught her tits in the door (again). There is a special guest on this week’s podcast which is recorded in a famous Soho haunt in London

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 47

Berwick from the train

2011-05-31T23:13:00.000Z

My dad knows new words

2011-05-29T21:29:00.002Z

There are two things I know for sure- One is- everything changes and the other is -my dad doesn’t change. Dad is currently running a battle with his new digi box and satellite dish that despite leaps in modern technology- it lets a tree distort its service. The satellite man told us that was the problem. This doesn’t salve dads temper and his need to argue about everything concerning his telly.

Dad calls me every day to use his new word ‘pixelated’ he wasn’t to know that since the 1940s there would be new words to insert into his vocabulary, he thought all the words had been invented- so did we- but what we didn’t know is the new words he discovered he would use more than the old ones. It is as if he needs to wear them around his dentures to get a good feel for them and then they will settle sufficiently into his mouth.

“I think that’s a Beta service we are getting as the picture is pixelated again, they need to experiment more with nanotechnology” he rattled on like that irritating middle aged hip presenter on BBC’s Click techno programme.

Dad likes to impress me with his latest garnered knowledge and usually calls me at 8am to tell me stuff. What he doesn’t know is that I had been up till 4am watching box sets of DVD’s and don’t want to be told about RFID- radio Frequency identification which is being used in license plates to identify and charge cars as they drive through Congestion Charged roads, toll bridges and toll roads, without them stopping. I don’t know where he gets all this info; he no longer has the web. We got that taken away before he tapped into NASA or kept wakening me up in foreign countries via Skype and not checking the time difference.

I think there is a bunch of wee old men dressed in elasticated slacks talking bollocks to each other in cafes and sharing information and then passing it onto their stunned and over tired kids. Why is he up at 7am? And what makes him think I am?

Despite my grumblings I love and adore my dad more than anyone can guess, of course I do.

He makes me laugh like nobody can, his quirky outlook on the world will always astound me and his adoration of Ashley knows no bounds. I cherish these days with my dad, knowing full well these days won’t last and there will be a day when he won’t call at 7am and that will be the day when I will sit and will it to ring.

So on that note, I am pleased to tell everyone that I am having a proper holiday this year. Me and Ashley are going off to British Columbia in Canada to a wee place called Salt Spring island. Husband hates travelling as a family and doesn’t want to come, and Ashley deserves a holiday after the whole month of work she done in Adelaide at the festival. We can’t believe we are going somewhere, getting off a plane and NOT going straight to a theatre to work or flyer or do press – just a holiday!

SSI is an amazing wee nature reserve/hippy enclave where my mate Sarah lives. We met in Toronto where she was working in comedy and she is just an awesome chick, she has organised crabbing as well for us, and am good at crabbing, though am not sure it’s the same one am thinking of. Ashley is inordinately excited about crabbing; I had no idea that she liked killing things with exoskeletons and eating them. Sarah is just amazing for having us both over. I am lucky to have nice people in my life eh?

That will be July sorted meanwhile this coming week I am in London and having a drinks party for my belated 50th at my fav club organised by my mate Monica. Am excited but worried, the last birthday party I had was in 1981 and my then brother in law sabotaged it and threatened everyone not to turn up and so I sat on my with a cake (hubby was working in the pub and was horrified to find me alone). I was 20 years old and confused as to why no guests came to my house. I gorged on cheese and pineapple and went to bed feeling stupid and hopeless with an unnatural fear of birthday parties. Am hoping this one will be better!

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 46

2011-05-26T00:22:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 46 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the ladies discuss the Olympic Flame, the murder of child Hollywood star, Obama’s UK tour and Ashley Storrie’s Murder stories! We hear Janey’s hilarious speech impediment which comes to the fore and sets them off in giggles.
Sectarian issues arise and they both debate the effect of new laws surrounding sectarianism in Scotland and Ashley talks about Giggs and the super injunctions. We find out Christian Bale is coming to Glasgow and Ashley discusses her plans to goad him into a fight. The city of the week is Bakal Russia.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 46

Holidays and hotels

2011-05-23T14:27:00.000Z

I am old enough to really appreciate the internet, years ago in the dark days of pink and grey striped wallpaper, big perms and China in our hands (the 80s) we booked holidays solely based on the glossy photos in a holiday brochure that got sent in the mail.

You picked your hotel, town and free weeks and looked down a chart to see what the price was based on two people sharing and then got a big train ticket all the way to Cornwall only to discover the bed was made of sticky foam, the sheets were pink bri-nylon, the TV in the bedroom had a slot pay-to-view box and the sea view was nonexistent. They had your money, via a cheque sent in January and the Hotel Kon Tiki in St Ives was nothing but a rip off. It was the 80s we didn’t have 360 degree images on the laptop, we couldn’t drag a wee yellow man onto the street in Google maps to see the location nor could we check various other peoples reviews of the place.

I recall having to share a breakfast of cold ravioli (for breakfast!) with a dull couple from Durham who were made to share our table at the Hotel Kon Tiki. Hubby and I quietly slipped away from the table, packed our cases, spoke to the manager, got our deposit back and got to the famous Headland Hotel in Newquay.

It was a beautiful Victorian castle type building, old fashioned and with a huge dining room that required a tie and a very 1980s dress code- husband and I have photographs from that holiday where we both look very dressed up and old for 24 year old kids. And they didn’t serve ravioli for breakfast nor did they make us share a table with a woman wearing slacks that worked in a pottery factory and liked Cher.

The bedrooms were still Victorian but adorable, it had a huge claw footed chest of drawers, a giant wooden framed luxurious bed and a solid brown wardrobe that would have survived a bombing campaign during WW11 (which it did) and the bay windows looked out to the rugged Cornish coastline. We had such a great time there that we conceived Ashley in that room....she just couldn’t be conceived in a room with manmade fibres, bad lighting and cheap food. I came home relaxed and pregnant from Newquay.

Anyway, nowadays we go online and stare endlessly at the destination we are going to, we can get 360 degree views of the toilet we will be using, we can see the view we will see from the window and we can check every bus, train and bar open within 3 miles of our door! The internet is good....but I still recall with affection the surprise I felt when I opened the door in The Headland Hotel and saw the amazing room....something’s are worth waiting for.

On the other hand times have moved on and hotels are no longer exciting for me. Especially lately when I went to Newcastle, I love Geordie land but the city is now a destination for drunks, stags and hen parties so it feels like one big giant wobbly fairground ride at the weekend. Like almost everyone has stepped off the waltzer and can no longer cope with walking or talking straight at all. They both dress up in various outfits including men as women, cowboys, babies or sailors and the women dress in pink cowboy glittery hats, or as cats and in one case 80s wrestlers...it’s all very strange.

Late night coming home from the comedy gig, my stomach is in knots as I zig zag behind big staggering groups of men in the city centre, am not scared of them but I worry one will fall and bang his drunken head in front of me, a phobia I have had from my years in a bar in The Calton where I once saw a man’s head split open like a deep red coconut as it smashed off the concrete outside the pub. I never want to see that again.

I also get really nervous as I watch drunken walkers all over the road, it makes me anxious but the worst feeling is when they all come back to the hotel I am staying at- the budget chain that the comedy clubs book for me- and the stags and hens run riot all night. This is adult men and women on a drunken weekend, they feel they HAVE to have something happen, and get up to all sorts of shenanigans late at night as the booze seeps in. The clubs and police keep them basically in check as the night progresses but when they are let loose in a hotel corridor, they seem to go ape shit mad and make sure other guests don’t get much sleep.

They bang on doors, scream and giggle in the corridors and fight in rooms until I basically wake up exhausted in the morning. I think there should be dedicated Stag and Hen hotels so folk who don’t like Simply the Best screamed at 4 am in the doorway can go elsewhere.

Yes, I complained to the hotel, yes they apologised and offered compensation, but it doesn’t change anything. I want to go back to the 80s when hotels were genteel and suits had to be worn for dinner not drunken men and women screaming in pink glittery cowboy hats or with plastic penis dangling off their heads throwing bread rolls at each other and pissing in the lift.

I am whiny today aren’t I?

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 45

2011-05-19T00:10:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 45 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the mother and daughter duo discuss the fortunes of Blackpool FC and her Ashley’s latest Ian Holloway quote. The ladies pour over the latest news issues regarding Ken Clarke and his ‘rape’ comments and Nadine Dorries who made horrific comments regarding child sex abuse.

The story of the Dennistoun shootings at the Glasgow fair of 1990 with Wild Bill Hickok from Susie Sioux/Yvonne get an airing and Ashley does a Wayne Rooney! The couple talk about Janey’s funeral and what music will be played and Janey talks of her night in the emergency room.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At:Episode 45

Thoughts of me

2011-05-17T20:26:00.001Z

Last week I was laughing as my daughter Ashley paused a TV show we were watching to check IMDB (internet movie data base) to find out what previous movie the actor had been in. Ashley does this a lot, personally I don’t care, she cares and must check and chat about these entire movie related facts and trivia. It’s her thing.

My mammy used to do that back in the 70s - back then we couldn’t stop a programme or pause anything, and we had to have huge interruptions whilst my mum nattered on about “what was she in before she was in Crossroads? What was that guy called who was in Poldark who was married to that woman from Onedin Line?”

If my mammy had lived long enough to see 150 channels on her TV and had seen how you could pause a TV show and check the internet IMDB at the same time, it would have blown her mind. Of all the things I am sad my mammy missed, this is one of the biggest! Besides meeting Ashley that is, my mum would have LOVED her. Both of them love US TV shows, Liza Minnelli, Hawaii 5-O and both of them had huge crushes on James Garner and William Shatner (how odd?).

My mum also loved Star Trek and loved Captain Kirk (Ashley’s favourite character), mammy hated Spock and was convinced he was a Catholic, though explaining to her he was a Vulcan meant nothing- anyone she didn’t like was relegated to Catholic (she wasn’t really into sectarianism she just used catholic as blanket of hatred and she was a bit mental). This was a woman who thought King Billy was cute and had many images of him- he was like a latter day Beiber- everyone in my direct family had photos and plastic images of him. Mum was not even a protestant she just wasn’t a catholic and that means something to some people of Shettleston. She never attended church and often sneered at nuns, it was just how she was brought up.

Funnily enough when she ran out of valium her first port of call was a wee Catholic woman called Kitty who lived up the back road. Her hatred of Catholics didn’t extend to drug dealings...obviously. Ashley isn’t into King Billy or Catholics so they do have their differences I suppose.

Yet mammy loved the TV and Ashley loves the TV they both love musicals and both adore old movies, and am sure if my mammy had met Ashley they would get on so much. Both of them are funny, smart, mentally nuts and sharp witted all rolled into one and Ashley does have a similar sense of humour as my mother. When I told Ashley this she wept big tears and told me how she wished my mother has seen me onstage doing comedy “She would have loved you doing comedy” so then I wept big tears thinking about everything mammy missed not being here.

We miss people who pass away, today I just found a text from my late brother and it said “saw you on BBC news sis, you were funny, miss you x” Miss my mammy and my bro.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 44

2011-05-12T00:51:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 44 of Janey Godley’s Podcast, the mother and daughter discuss The Kate McCann book and all the controversy that raises, Ashley tells a tale of having a loud pee in a strange toilet; she continues to horrify Janey by impersonating the noises of her parents having sex and reveals her favourite William Shatner story.

The giggly duo talks about their favourite weatherman Tomaz Shafernaker and Janey reveals her super injunction story concerning her and George Clooney. There is a Bold Alec story and some improvised singing that goes horribly wrong and Little Rock Arkansas gets this week town shout out.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At:Episode 44

Life, Cats and Great Scots

2011-05-08T14:48:00.000Z

Being away from home and arriving expecting adoration does put a little strain on a relationship. When my daughter Ashley and I got back from Adelaide in March, I was shocked to see that husband had not only grown his hair sideways out and bushy up top with a huge greying beard, but he had another daughter in place. It was like whilst we were away he got a replacement, had he stolen a girl? No- it was of course Ashley’s close pal Bobbi, she is a lovely girl same age as Ashley who had moved in as she was in between homes and jobs and possibly blokes. Husband and I have known her since she was a teenager and Ashley had of course agreed to have Bobbi stay, it was just slightly unsettling to see husband looking like a tufty bushy father of another girl fussing and making dinner for her. Husband possibly had plans for a whole month of freedom from Ashley and I, where he could walk about in his pants or even naked, pee the floors round the pan and clean it later, live on chocolate biscuits and watch racy online movies as he drank bottles of cold beer and threw them in a pile on the floor for a full six weeks. It’s a middle aged man’s dream, he could eat cheap cuts from Lidl and not face our gloomy stares over unbeknown Eastern European cans of strange soup, he could watch back to back episodes of Family Guy and CSI without me asking him to turn it off, he was basically planning to emulate an Oliver Reed type holiday but Bobbi arrived and pyjama bottoms and fresh milk were now his agenda.

Having another girl in the house is good fun, except I am starting to boss her about like I do my own daughter and am questioning her about where she is going, what she wants from life and can she please stop eating crisps in bed...I think she will move on soon, bless her wee soul.

My other daughter type relationship is with my god daughter and niece Ann Margaret, she has three kids Shaun, Abi and Julia. She also has a mouse, a rabbit and a very evil sneering house cat called Squeak.

Squeak has managed to resist all attempts to ‘be a pet’ it’s practically OCD and has anger issues concerning everyone in the world. I have never known a cat that can slink and sneer at me at the same time. It visibly hates me; maybe I shouldn’t have taken its two front paws and shown it how to scrape its litter tray as it used to shit in the box and then claw all the woodchip wallpaper of the wall beside the litter tray ignoring the shit and just staring intently straight ahead like a victim of some deep dark experiment from a Russian laboratory. Now when it sees me it gets flashbacks and runs sideways like a stilted hobbled demented gymnast and lets out a deep horrid meeeooow, it doesn’t sound nice at all. Even Julia who is only four years old knows the cat is calling hates me “Squeak called you a bad name” Julia can interpret all the cats meaows, and is scarily accurate. “Squeak is evil and wants the mouse to die and land in her mouth” Julia added. She was right Squeak was standing by the low cage patiently waiting for a cage malfunction to occur or her maybe the mind messages she was emitting to Julia would come to effect and the kid would open the cage.

The good news is the mouse has a flinty look in its eyes and I believe the cat maybe in for a fight, meanwhile I am hoping Julia’s next pet doesn’t have a personality disorder.

So back to this past week, Yes, despite all evidence pointing to the contrary, I was recently nominated Great Scot at the Great Scot awards at the prestigious Boisedale Club in London and had to attend wearing blue or tartan then as the night progressed I had to spend heaps of time stopping Roland Rivron from shouting at Annie Lennox whilst he was blabberingly drunk and watch Lorraine Kelly be a better Scot than me and win the award. The same night Willie Carson the jockey and Sir Jackie Stewart the racing driver shared a ride in a lift with me and comedy writer Danny Wallace, it was the first time I had been taller than two other men since I visited a panto, anyway Mr Carson mistook me for Danny Wallace’s wife- that was after everyone assumed I was Roland Rivron’s wife since I was containing his drunken madness.

That week I had been called a polymath by some amazing Rangers fans, then BBC called and asked me to be a commentator on Scottish football and the Scotsman newspaper asked my political opinion...who knew anyone was interested in anything I had to say? In my house am the person nobody actually cares to answer, in my family am the least opinionated person in the alpha female group I move amongst I am not called on anything for advice as it is generally known that I will make a joke before I will take anything serious.

The other good news is I gained heaps of new followers from Rangers football club websites, it would appear that I am so blue to the bone and popular with them and then Celtic football club followers came on board, it was nice to see sectarianism put aside and people coming together to share a chat and a joke!

The Royal wedding made me slightly uneasy, we paid for a big party and not one brown face was in that royal line up! The whole gamut of white Anglo Saxon Germanic history was there in full display! How can a modern family today not have some colour in it? I do...I have a half Asian Nephew on my husband’s side and am sure on my mother’s side there is a half man half goat uncle we try not to mention. I am hoping Ashley will bring some diversity into the gene pool when she starts reproducing, a big brown baby with my curly afro hair would be awesome.

The week was topped off by the scary news that Jack Bauer from US TV actually killed Osama Bin Laden and we saw squillions of Americans foam at the mullet and scream “USA” at the White House in case Obama forgot where he was. There is something distasteful about watching folk celebrate the death of an enemy. Anyway as I speak Osama is working his way through 70 virgins, which must be hard work, all that screaming and bleeding can’t be fun.

Two things happened this week, the first being my daughter Ashley broke some bones in her feet dancing to Tinnie Tempa which isn’t technically a real name but he does good music, I myself have thrown a few shapes to Tinnie. She is feeling better and has vowed never to dance near a SLIPPY vomit covered floor in our prestigious dance halls here in Glasgow, the second thing is SNP swept the board at the election and despite what misprint the newspaper stated; I like SNP, good on them!

Am excited about my shows at Soho Theatre in August so do come along and check out our weekly podcast, me and Ashley have such fun making it and we are up to week 43 check it out on iTunes or my website www.janeygodley.com

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 43

2011-05-05T19:48:00.002Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 43 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the mother and daughter Duo discuss the latest goings on in the world. This week they talk about Osama Bin Laden’s final days and how he gave rabbits to small children. The twosome also discuss the royal wedding in great detail focussing in on the Philip Treacy’s daring hat designs as they question his popularity and sanity.

Janey talks about her recent Great Scots nomination and Ashley talks about her brush with disaster at a night club with a broken sign. All this plus Janey and Ashley discuss Janey’s recent run-ins on twitter with some extremist religious groups.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At:Episode 43

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 42

2011-04-27T22:00:00.002Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 42 of Janey Godley’s podcast the mother and daughter celebrate the much anticipated nuptials of Adam and Jane from the BT advert, Janey talks about the hair cut’s she got as a child and what a “super” injunction is, while Ashley wonders what Aliens would say if they heard the Carpenters.
Ashley gets her Howard’s mixed up and Janey tells all about her recent experience with time travel. The ladies delve into some tales of murder as they bring you the stories of murders forgotten and Ashley tries to explain that everyone has a bad boob, like the Baldwin family, all this plus news from the Donnie Wahlberg front, on this weeks episode of Janey Godley’s Podcast.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast A:Episode 42

Sunshine in London

2011-04-25T17:45:00.000Z

I have had an excellent weekend, arriving in London in time for its mini heat wave and long bank holiday! I got to lie in Battersea Park and enjoy the weather, though the incessant noise of gurgled screams of kids did drive me a bit mental. Kids don’t really like parks, adults like parks, kids don’t like sitting on a blanket and staring at a bee for ages. They arrive in a park and suddenly require a selection of cold treats, a bug free seat, a three wheeled cart that you lie down and peddle and possibly a magician to keep them entertained as you try to read an article in the Sunday Times about how Princess Diana would love the upcoming wedding and would probably outshine the bride and Carole Middleton. I need some shit Royal gossip written badly I don’t need someone else’s whiney child irritating the wasps into a bad mood near me. I had served my time with a kid in the park; Ashley was duly dragged to picnic blanket hell many times in her childhood and spent hours poking a Rhododendron with a stick for fun as I devoured the latest pile of pretend lies from Jeffery Archer.

People need to know babies who sleep a lot like the park, babies who are learning to walk like the park but every other child from two upwards to twelve hate the park unless dogs get into a bloody foaming mouth fight, and that’s something they can stare at. It’s a boring hot sticky toilet deprived place is the park in the blistering heat...and yet adults don’t get that. In their mind they will drag some chairs, some food and a wine cooler and they can enjoy the summer haze. Not if you have kids, then it will be hell for you and people sitting near.

So, I moved far away from the annoying people but still managed to meet a stupid twat of a woman whose dog’s slabbered and leapt all over me, which meant she and her friends now had the right to ask me questions. I think it’s called socialising but it felt like interrogation ...with dogs. “Do you live round hear?” the tall lady in the elasticated jungle print maxi dress drawled at me. Her accent was one that Katie Middleton’s mum was hoping to attain- she was old money and very posh (I knew this as she had on odd sandals and it wasn’t irony).

I chatted to her and her pony trekking horse faced friends for a few minutes, I told them I was staying with my mate and then I told them I was a comedian. The circle of chinless Oxbridge bedwetters went silent, their crystal decanter and tall glasses were sending twinkling shards of light like a glitter ball all over the grass. Who brings a decanter to a park? Alcoholic rich people that’s who. The woman in odd sandals leaned her head to the side and her eyes became flinty, like she was trying to understand what a female comedian was, then she stepped forward and the bottom of her strapless elastic maxi dress was trapped beneath a dogs ass and her bra-less left tit slapped out and just hung there- nobody said anything. Maybe if you are rich enough to own a decanter and take it to a public park, you can have a tit hanging out and that’s ok. It was a saggy limp tit, like a small bag of cold porridge or one of those balloons that have slowly deflated behind a chair, days after a birthday party.

Am not saying my tits are awesome but they are huge and well firm, and I don’t let one flop out in full public view. Anyway the woman hadn’t noticed her tit was hanging out, her friends said nothing, nobody giggled or came to her rescue and so I continued the conversation. “Is being a comedian actually a job?” tit flap asked me and a few of the men and women smiled and sniggered at this. “I mean how does one become funny? Do women actually get a laugh?” she continued.

I stared at them, I bent down stroked a dog, I looked up and stared at her flabby tit hanging out of her sundress and I said “Your tit is hanging out of your dress and that makes me laugh and I am going to tell heaps of people about this, so trust me yes, women do get a laugh”

I don’t think it bothered her, rich people can take sherry to the park in crystal, they can wear odd sandals and let a tit hang out, but they can’t wind me up, I just accepted everyone is weird in their own way. I would be mortified if my tit came out in public, but wasn’t, she just folded it back into her frock and kicked a dog off her skirt. Life in the park is like that.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 41

2011-04-20T16:49:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 41 of Janey Godley’s podcast mum and daughter celebrate Ashley’s 25th birthday, Janey fixates yet again on the future royal bride’s eye liner, they discuss the recent tourist murders in Newton Florida, Janey gets mistook for a prostitute and Ashley wonders how old is too old in hooking?

Ashley talks about her favourite football manager Ian Holloway and reads some of her favourite quotes, while Dorothy the “music professional” does some Snoop Dogg music. Ashley tries to explain Farscape to her mother after a visit from the birthday Pa’u, Janey tries to ask some probing questions of Ashley but fails all this plus Janey talks about role playing with her aspergic husband.

Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At:Episode 41

Big Tom

2011-04-18T22:39:00.000Z

“There he is, the Mauler of Maryhill Road” my neighbour spoke quietly. We both stared at a big fat ginger tom cat with dirty socks on each leg, flinty eyes and a split ear that waved in the wind. “He cruises the car park at night servicing the hormonally charged female felines and fights with other cats, it’s like a scene from West Side story down there at midnight”

I could only imagine the dance scenes with cats running wild between the cars under the fuzzy moonlight of the west end of Glasgow. But recently we did have an influx of cats that didn’t seem to belong to the people in the flats around here. They hung out near the bins and sometimes one or two sat on our car bonnet after the engine had been turned off and enjoyed some lasting heat. I had spotted two black and white cats that seem to enjoy sitting near the Aga Shop and had a haughty look on their face, like they were lending to the countryfide image by hanging about a posh shop. On the opposite side of the road there was an angry looking skinny cat who hissed at you as you passed the Asian vegetable store. I imagine he had issues and hated people in general.

I look across the car park and spotted Big Tom, he looked over as if he knew we were talking about him.

The big cat came over to me; he head butted my shins, his giant solid head cracking off the bone demanding attention. I am sure he winked at me, I was being flirted on by a big fat man cat and it was strange to say the least. He stared at me, expecting me to bend down and rub his bulging cheeks, I could hear his purring and he actually strutted in front of me, showed me his balls then came back and glared at me for attention. I stood there looking at him, and then I heard a high pitched scream and the sound of sandals clacking on the ground. It turns out the women from Afghanistan who love picnics in the garden of number 90 hate and fear cats! I didn’t know this but by the screaming, burqa flapping and jangled arm waving, head holding and foot stamping I now know those women don’t like cats. Big Tom stood his ground he had been here for years and owned a harem of lady cats and a bunch of squealy women weren’t going to shove him off his well earned patch. That cat looked racist and sneered at them through slitty sneaky eyes, licked his lips and strutted towards them.

Big Tom merely walked over to the big brown car that belonged to the women and nutted the wheel trims with his hard head and slinked towards the screaming group who were now lifting babies and toddlers away from the big ginger cat who had no fear and was clearly coming to eat them all.

“he won’t hurt you, he is just a cat” I tried to reason, but Big Tom didn’t need a lawyer to represent his intentions, he was about to duck beneath the flapping cover of a burqa and slink around the ankles of a poor woman who was now pinned to the wooden fence of number 90’s garden. She stood silently but with a scream on her face as she clutched the wooden posts for stability.

The old horrid man who writes notes about the exclusivity of the number 90 garden watched on with glee, he hated the Afghanistan women and their penchant for sitting in the garden and was egging on the fat cat by sniggering and nodding vigorously. I began to think he was in cahoots and could control the cat by his evil mind powers. Then the cat meowed loudly.

At that moment a wee brown faced cute boy with big chocolate button eyes, dipped out behind his mum, bent under her black burqa and picked up the giant cat. He walked over to the grass and put big Tom down and walked back to the women who cheered and clapped their small hero. The cat sat on the grass, spotted a stupid sparrow and immediately leapt on the dumb bird and sat punching it with a fat paw. It was the circle of life. Big Tom now stalks the far end of the car park, you can hear him at night grabbing female cats and pulling them into the bushes for some cat screaming sex, it doesn’t sound like fun, but then how weird would I be if I enjoyed the noise? Circle of life indeed.

Why am I so sleepy and my Irn Bru day out

2011-04-14T09:20:00.002Z

Am starting to worry, I sleep till midday and don’t have jet lag and have a dull ache in the side of my head and am now convinced I have a big brain tumour, that’s what I am like! It can’t just be stress or a headache it has to be a dangerous illness. I am going to shut up now.

So life has been busy, the one woman show at Oran Mor was just a delight, I did about two hours and the place was packed to the gunnels, so lovely to have that many people come see me despite me not being on telly! The problem with doing live shows and not having a TV presence is that people don’t know you enough and assume if you are not on telly then you are not worth coming to see! A few comedy mates who are brilliant are suffering the same issue, they have small tours on but folk won’t attend, unless Michael McIntyre has validated you, you are not worth watching....it seems.

Anyway Oran Mor was a triumph and I loved being there and Ashley got up and did some warm up for me, I am so chuffed that she is that confident and funny. Doing the podcast with her has been awesome and it is going from strength to strength, if you read this and don’t know how to get to the podcast just Google Janey Godley’s Podcast and you will be there in a click.

We had a lovely day husband and I, we went down to Balmaha which is on the shores of Loch Lomond where my niece Ann Margaret was camping with her wee brood of kids and I got some lovely pictures of Abi, Shaun and Julia, three wee city kids who stood for hours trailing a fishing net into shallow waters whilst tucked into ill fitting welly’s but happy as Larry! They didn’t ask for shots on the Iphone or moaned for a DVD player, they all happy ran about in the snappy cold or sat in the tent eating crisps. Husband managed to organise all their food, cooking utensils and gas equipment into a neat row beneath a folding table he brought, as Aspergers and camping do sort of clash. He doesn’t cope well with chaos and Ann Margaret, her husband Rob and the kids do chaos very well. Husband managed to sort things into size ratio and keep it that way whilst he was there. The kids don’t care about his oddness and couldn’t wait to get big warm hugs and a sit on his knee wrapped in his special blanket that husband keeps folded in the back of his car.

Ann Margaret is such a good mum, Shaun is 13 and at that age where every single thing he wants or says is loaded with conflict, yet you should see him love his wee sisters. He is so tender and caring and adept at getting them on and off swings and he guards them like a lion near bigger kids and he is better than a life guard when they stood on the edge of the loch. You can see the photos on my facebook page. Shaun is at that age where he is waiting to be a man, arguing with everyone and yet is still capable of holding wee Julia age 4 round his waist and loving her with all his big heart.

Abi is seven and knows everything and everyone in the world it seems, there is little she doesn’t understand and what she doesn’t know she makes up but tells it with complete conviction that you are convinced she will be a politician in at least six months time.

It was good being with the kids; it always brightens my day to be around them. But I need to get back to work and back to writing, which I am procrastinating about. It feels as though I have jetlag again for no good reason, you can’t get jetlag after driving half an hour to Loch Lomond can you?

This week was brightened up by Irn Bru (for non Scots Google it and find out about our real National drink) anyway the people at Irn Bru have made a new summer advert and its really good, it’s a pastiche of a jolly summer postcard image set in Scotland with awesome animation. The music is of course Paolo Nutini and I loved it, the Irn Bru adverts are legendary, so watch out for this one. We also got some nice freebies! Thank you Irn Bru.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 40”

2011-04-13T21:52:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In the 40th episode of Janey Godley’s Podcast the mother and daughter twosome discuss current affairs including the royal wedding and Hugh Grant’s foray into investigative journalism, they then debate proper pronunciations of names including Will Wheaton’s. The mother and daughter raucously gallop through this episode poking fun at each other and the establishment, Kate Moss gets a slagging as does Cheryl Cole.

Ashley whips out a new batch of voices while Janey takes us back to her first ever blog, then the ladies talk about the day spent at an Irn Bru party; all this plus tales of a Lesbian Greek hip hop dance instructor and her fish hat making companion.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At Episode 40!

Janey Godley’s Podcast "Episode 39"

2011-04-06T22:04:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 39 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the mother and daughter duo discuss the TV shows they watched this week, including Peaches Geldof’s show OMG! and Virgin School. Janey waxes lyrical about Friday Night Dinner and bemoans the fact that some NZ theatre group have ripped off ‘Look Around You’ a parody show that she loved, with seemingly no consequences.

Liam Gallagher’s meeting with a Saturday makes for a silly tale and Ashley does her favourite rendition of Cheryl Cole and makes Janey snort with laughter; Janey meanwhile is prevented from telling her dull tea story and both answer podcast questions. This week the world doesn’t get put to rights but belittling Charlie Sheen gets justified.
Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast A: Episode 39

Who wants to buy kittens?

2011-04-03T13:10:00.001Z

“Who wants to buy kittens, I have got two black and a ginger one with a sticky up ear” my local drug addict John shouted out randomly scaring the old man who was muttering out Korean War stories to his own reflection in the tobacco stained mirror.

It was 1981 in my old bar in The East End of Glasgow. That was a normal Tuesday afternoon.

We got old men who were gnarled and tired of life that wandered in; they would look at me then sit down. Then suddenly shout “Get me a half and half pint and bring it over, I fought in Korea to save your life” Well, far be it for me to question why I was in danger of Koreans invading Shettleston in the 50s and taking over my council scheme, so I would serve him at the table. “Ok Archie? Any requests for the jukebox today?”

I would smile and encourage him to talk and maybe give me a smile back. “Nobody likes you, you talk too much and you annoy me with your singing in the background, why don’t you a have baby to keep you busy? Where is your man, he is fucking quiet and doesn’t bother me at the table, don’t play any shite, in fact why don’t you turn the music off, I fought in Korea for your freedom” he barked at me.

“John’s selling kittens if you want one of them to eat with your beer?” I replied.

He laughed and smiled at me through glazed rheumy eyes. “You’re funny Janey; you do make me laugh sometimes, you should be a comedian” he answered then went back to calling the Tories bastards as he read the newspaper.

John waited at the bar “So, you want a kitten Janey?” he threw an arm round me, jumped back and pulled a tiny trembling kitten from his pocket. Supertramp pounded through the speakers and I reached to turn the volume down as Archie screamed “Korea you bastard” at me, I placated him by getting the music down to barely a beating whisper. John was right there at my face when I came back to the counter.

I looked at his trembling body. The heroin was probably depleted from his shaky veins, his face was snaked with sweat, the once clear blue sparkling eyes were now deadened from behind, and the pupils zooming in and out camera lens style and the smell of his desperation scared me. I seen alcoholics beg for drink, but this was different, what the fuck was heroin and what was it doing to these people? Each morning I would watch a stream of thin juddering bodies with hollow eyes walking across the Green to The Gorbals like a clutch of zombies all quiet but focused on getting to their destination. Later they would come back with a chemical spring in their step.

John was still there begging me for £5 for a few kittens. I took the kittens and put them under my jumper to keep them warm till I could figure out what to do with them. Only a junkie would grab three baby cats and try to sell them, I was worried they would die. The tiny kittens just huddled together on my tummy and I tied my tee shirt at the bottom to stop the falling out.

Archie demanded another whisky to his table and he wanted it now because he fought in Korea for my freedom. I walked across the bar, leant over his table and placed the drink down. The kittens mewed and squirmed under my thin top and Archie recoiled at the sight “Are you now stuffing kittens up your tummy because you can’t have babies? Is this what I fought in Korea for?” He shouted.

“Yes, that’s right I like shoving animals up my jumper and by the way am on the pill I don’t want kids” I laughed and Archie smiled at me “I fought in Korea so those kids out there could just kill themselves with the needle up their arm, the world is fucked Janey” he looked down, grabbed the glass and threw it down his neck.

Outside in the April spring the daffodils swayed their necks and nodded at the tall tenements, the cars sped past, the birds tweeted and people got ready for the Royal Wedding of Charles and Diana, a nation waited for a dream to form.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 38”

2011-03-31T00:55:00.004Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In an extra-long episode 38 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the ladies discuss arts funding, Scottish Opera, Scottish ballet and why Ashley believes the Russians should just take over. Ashley natters about her pal Vikie’s weird and wonderful way of describing movies and Granddad Currie’s mad comments get a mention.

Ashley has a temperature and the podcast feels oddly disjointed as she struggles to recall words! Janey talks about the Royal Wedding, her forthcoming birthday celebrations in London and her penchant for contacting celebs on Twitter. Some Twitter questions get answered and both podcasters end up bickering over minge trimming. The Bold Alec gets a mention and Andrew Lloyd Webber takes a verbal beating. All this plus a topless host on Janey Godley’s podcast!

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At:Episode 38

Am being a bit more positive

2011-03-27T22:13:00.000Z

Being back onstage in Glasgow makes me happy as hell. Ashley is happy now that she doesn’t have to hear me through a microphone every night nor has to sleep in the same bed as me. So the Godley/Storrie combo is deliriously excited. Poor Ashley was with me on tour through Adelaide and was subjected to my presence in all forms for a whole month.

When I was on tour living in hotels all I ate was biscuits, and hot pies at night, literally the biggest trucker heart attack diet of a lifetime and am paying for it now, suffice to say Ryvita is now my snack of choice. Eating balsa wood is fine by me.

The Glasgow Comedy Festival is in full swing and I love it, like you cannot believe. Over the weekend I did Glasgow Highlights comedy club, I normally MC the show but it was great doing a 20 again. Bless, the sold out show gave me a standing ovation and I walked off stage misty eyed. To see big burly blokes on their feet cheering, just felt awesome, not just women not just older folk but a full range of top Glasgow people giving me love! I love comedy and Glasgow and it’s down to being positive about stuff.

Now don’t think for a minute I have joined a bongo collective and taken up spiritual hugging, am just being very positive about things in my world and it seems the more I avoid negative things, the more positive I get. It’s not a religion or some tree hugging exercise, just deciding to have a mental state of being positive does help.

Instead of looking at my bedroom and sighing “this whole room needs painted, the floors need re-doing” I think...I have had so much fun in here and might get round to organising it to look better, then again it’s just a house!

I also decided not to go to Edinburgh as the thought of doing a whole month of negative people moaning about the state of their ticket sales (me included), etc...Just made me sad inside my soul, so am going on holiday instead. See- Positivity! The good news is I have had a radio show pilot commissioned and the people around me and the work am doing feels so much better! I will have bad luck, I will get refused jobs, I will get sick, my dad will eventually die but there is no need to constantly be worn down with negativity till shit happens. I was never given to depression, luckily I have never suffered it and I was always wary that happiness is also over rated, but it’s time to stop being down on everything for me.

Don’t worry, am not happy clappy and suggesting we all paint rainbows, am still the snarling snappy anger ridden sarcastic Janey, just not as down on the world or cynical as I have been. Even my skin looks better!

Now to face the challenge of losing weight, I am about four stones in the red and need to get shot of that. I am 50 this year and need to make sure I don’t get diabetes or heart disease and I want to feel sexy in my knickers that no longer fit. I am still off the fags so I expected to gain weight and now I have and now it’s time for it to go. Am off to eat dust flavoured Ryvita with tea, talk soon.

2011-03-24T00:48:00.000Z

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 37”

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 37 of Janey Godley’s podcast Janey becomes repeatedly nostalgic while Ashley worries that her mother has gone mad. Both ladies still suffering from Jet lag are back to classic podcast chatter discussing everything from Sea Manatees to Chloe Madeley. They discuss the new government Budget and what love really means, then consider the works of great explorers like Lewis, Clark and Columbus.

They remember Liz Taylor and Jade Goody and ponder what it really takes to be a Charlie Sheen goddess. They then discuss the film Good Dick which is starring and directed by Marianna Palka who was an alumni of Ashley’s school. All this plus an abundance of innuendo from the internet’s only mother and daughter comedy podcast duo.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At: “Episode 37”

Children get older and so do parents

2011-03-22T13:26:00.000Z

Being away so often makes you forget your actual role in the family and the world in which you inhabit. When I was in Australia I was so busy trying to work hard that Ashley really did become my carer for a while and was checking I was eating, sleeping and resting enough. Much in the same way I do with my dad, who I am always worried sick about when I go away. Parents notoriously die the minute you step on a plane to leave the country, well old ones anyway!

My wee da is fit and healthy though especially for his age, he gave up smoking when fags went up a ha’penny in 1955 and hasn’t drunk since 1981 and despite having a heart op and small stroke in the late 90s and suffering the death of his beloved wife two years ago, he is actually fighting fit for an old Glasgow man. Though the older he gets the more racist he seems.... weird that eh? He is like a geriatric insane Jerry Sadowitz but without the irony, ticket sales and ability to shuffle a card deck.

When we were going over the census form I can’t even begin to tell you the stuff he said, so am just leaving it there. Suffice to say he doesn’t have much respect for people who encourage women to wear Burkhas “Imagine I tried to tell your mammy what to wear, she would have kicked my knackers and quite rightly so, women shouldn’t be told how to live”

He then went on about how odd it is I leave my husband to go round the world doing comedy, yet he prefers I leave husband as he looks after dad....I can’t win can I? The other thing dad loves is clear spray sun block factor 30 somehow he loves this product, it’s not as if we get a lot of sunshine in Glasgow but on the days it comes out, he liberally sprays his baldy head and hugs the can. He is odd and has been known to drown squirrels accidentally in big bin down near the fence that gets full of rain water (I promised him we wouldn’t talk about that again).

So am back from Australia and back in the game, I have decided to NOT go to Edinburgh fringe (I was kindly offered a paid show with all expenses covered) but I don’t want to go this year. Instead I have other plans in the offing. I will doing Soho Theatre in last weekend of August and I will be writing a new play and a radio thing and have some very interesting meetings coming up this week. Things are pretty exciting and even if they don’t work out- I don’t care, am not being tied to Edinburgh for a whole month!

Life feels ok, it’s been a hard start to this year- my beloved brother Jim died suddenly on New Year’s Eve and was alone in pain prior to his death which haunts me. I never even called him over Christmas and that haunts me...I have been very fucked up about this and then I never got to go to his funeral. Things felt odd, but am looking onwards and upwards.

So here I am watching friends daughters grow up and get married, watching Ashley look after me, try hard to look after dad and all the while try hard to remain 22 years old inside my own head. It really is just the early 80s inside my body, am still hoping George Michael will Wham me at some point and I still dance to Fame when I hear it on the radio.

I asked husband the other day if I still look like the 18 yr old girl he married and he looked at me and said “No, you have bigger boobs and more fat on your ass and you talk better and you believe in yourself more and you read better books” that’s what happens when you ask an Aspergers man his honest opinion. But it was true am older, better read and much fatter than the girl who dressed in a £58 wedding dress and let a priest tell her how to love a man back in 1980. (Turns out the priest was an IRA sympathiser and fled the country when he got involved in cash for arms -we don’t know if we are legally married and if he was legally a priest)

“Club Tropicana drinks are free.......”

Spending time being me

2011-03-20T17:42:00.001Z

I know my blog is way too late but you know what? I was living my life.

I am home from Adelaide with so much happiness in my heart. The journey was so worthwhile because when I planned to go I was worried that it would work out. My venue was the town hall which to be honest wasn’t perfect as a venue, it was too stuffy, too quiet and most nights they shut the bar. That isn’t good is it? The other shows in the venue struggled to get an audience so therefore I didn’t have people to ‘feed off’ as I expected audiences would have wandered about the place.

Turns out my room was basically the only show selling tickets over the run and that was down to Ashley doing her thing. She flyered and even street performed with me at the local fringe caravan which was a public performance space to help get the public aware of the fringe. Yet it turns out we made decent cash and got great reviews and made great pals.

Now Adelaide fringe is nothing like Edinburgh fringe, they don’t quite understand flyering, they don’t get why you would hand them a flyer advertising your show. The public still aren’t in step with the fringe and it doesn’t attract as many people to the city to enjoy its festival. So we have to work with what we have on the ground and most people think that The Garden of Unearthly Delights is the only place to be and I actually hated it there. It was over blown, too many people dressed as Victorian organ grinders and too many bugs and too much noise!

Anyway, I managed to bag a comedy nomination I got ‘People’s Choice’ but never won it, still to be nominated my first year was awesome.

The best bit is actually getting to do a job you love and I felt Adelaide wasn’t really female friendly, now don’t get me wrong- am not saying they are all sexist white males being rude but a lot of them were! The females who have made it there took a long time to get to the top and it shows that most Australian comedy promoters are women but they don’t really bring women to the festival and always worry that women don’t sell as good as men! ‘Bring over’ is a term where a promoter pays for you to come over they finance the flight/hotel etc and offer you a solid wage with an incentive bonus if you sell out the show.

I thought was all behind us but no that attitude thrives well in Australia especially Adelaide.

A woman has never brought me over but a man in New Zealand did! Scott Blanks from Auckland and I made good cash over the years because he believed in a woman!
I adored Adelaide and yet there were things made me uncomfortable, the fact I never saw a rainbow flag or an obvious gay bar unsettled me, and there were no brown faces in my audiences. There were no ethnic comics to be seen and that was surprising maybe I never looked hard enough but if you have to look hard enough then....that’s the point!

I will go back though; I will go back and enjoy it again. I loved the Rhino Rooms which does comedy all year in Adelaide and the welcome from the local comics was just lovely and made me feel like I was with family.

Getting home is always good though. I missed everyone so much and being away for a month is a long time, I always worry about my dad. Seems he was fine and dandy and husband looks after him good.

My mates had a laugh and said “You go Pan/Asian and there are two earthquakes, a plague of locusts a tsunami and nuclear fallout” so I suppose I am the horsewoman of the apocalypse.

Anyway it’s good to be home.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 36”

2011-03-16T21:38:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 36 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the mother and daughter broadcast a fond farewell to Adelaide, Janey talks about children dying and in a fit of uncomfortable verbal spew Ashley drops a bomb which shocks both Janey and herself.
They send their condolences to the people of Japan and chastise 50 cent for his less than sensitive reaction to the earthquake and tsunami, Janey rants over old stomping grounds such as Roman Polanski, drug addiction and prostitution while Ashley just tries not to swear too much or touch her mother inappropriately. They wonder the importance of school pictures and question the photo choices by journalists to represent the dead… all this plus much much more from Ashleylaide… I mean Adelaide.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At the following link: Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 36”

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 35”

2011-03-09T20:44:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 35 of Janey Godley’s podcast the dynamic duo chat about the current bad weather in Adelaide, the sci-fi convention Ashley attended where wrestling seemed to be a theme, Ashley’s latest exploits which include but are not limited to men and vomiting, Janey discovers that while one hand clapping makes little noise two tits make plenty.
Janey takes the opportunity to abuse her daughter and mock her for being mildly brainless, the two have an enlightening chat with Nacho Regal the Australian Penis bender who’s also a love guru and they both avoid any more chat about themed dressing and cabaret. Janey declares herself king of this podcast and slams Ashley for her lack of input!

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At the following link:

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 35”

Festivals and me

2011-03-05T18:27:00.001Z

I had a weird moment at the Town Hall Adelaide this week. They had a photographic exhibition up and one of the main images was a huge colourful picture of Edinburgh during the festival in August. I realised how much people here in Australia love to go, and are eager to talk to me about it. I am pretty over the festival in Edinburgh and don’t praise it much now. Performers and people alike gasp at my nonchalant attitude to the biggest arts festival in the world.

I recently did a Skype interview with a Scottish journalist and basically slated the Edinburgh fringe festival as I have become jaded by the big companies that manage to make so much cash from wee people who put up their hard earned money to make their hopes and dreams come true. I am not taking back any of my well documented comments and everyone else thinks much the same anyway. My point is, I hate that no longer want to go, I hate that I no longer dream of the excitement of that first night. I recall my first Edinburgh show with the intensity of my first adult kiss.

I can tell you the smells; I can describe the feeling seeing my face on a poster on the wall outside the old Gilded Balloon on the Cowgate in 1998. I knew I was the bottom of the artistic food chain, but my heart still pounded as I held out that first flyer and turned an eager face to a passerby. I was doing a three hander with two blokes who didn’t really care much about the show. I was as enthusiastic as hell and flyered everyday and begged people to come in night after night. Not many people came, yet my dreams soared higher.

I watched the big names get all the press, I never even got a review and after three more years I still never got a review. The press ignored me until 2004 then I got about 20 reviews in one week!

I recall going to the Underbelly venue in 2002 down in the Cowgate and looking at the crumbling old ancient bricks pass off as a comedy room. The two guys running it Charlie and Ed were posh English guys making the best of a bad job and I was part of the team. They encouraged me, they backed me up and they took all our suggestions to fix the mistakes in the building, we all did a great job that year and I fell in love with Edinburgh and did a one woman show for a ten day run. I loved the Underbelly and came back the next year with a hand written play and new show. I got a book deal, and a near comedy nomination and I felt so creative and full of comedy love. Edinburgh smiled at me, the castle winked and the lights on the street illuminated as I walked and I spread my magic through the night time alleys with my smile alone.

Somewhere along the years from then to now, I lost the passion and patience for Edinburgh. I stopped looking up at the castle in the sunset, I stopped sitting on the cobblestones and watching the buskers, I gave up running my palm along the smooth bricks that stood there for over 400 years and feeling the pulse of the building through stone. I stopped.

It all became tough work, Edinburgh is a hard secret lover, it makes you feel excited, dirty and like no other entity can stir in you but the price is high. It loves other people more than you, it is nicer to others and can ignore you- it can make you hate it and despite being addicted you have to extricate yourself from its grip and stop going back time and time again to see if it has any love left for you. It doesn’t. I am not going back. I am too old, my gown no longer shines, my hair no longer glints in the Edinburgh sun, and the city turned its back and felt ashamed of my neediness. I will miss you Edinburgh, we had good times, we laughed together, we raised my daughter together, we watched her grow thank you now go shine for others now.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 34”

2011-03-02T20:53:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 34 of Janey Godley’s podcast the mother and daughter podcast team broadcast once again from the land down under or Australia as it’s known to people who live down under. The mother and daughter laugh about Ashley’s latest conquest while Janey tells about how a candy frightened the life out of her. Janey expresses her relief at stopping smoking when she realises how much cigarette’s really cost in Australia while Ashley yet again lets rip on the themed and circus citizens of Adelaide.
They mock the locals and their sorrow at the perceived lack of sunshine and express fear over the recent plague of locusts that seems to be attacking the city of Adelaide. Ashley then tells all about her brief but spectacular encounter with Michael Buble and Janey talks about how her show is going all this plus a host of hilarious chatter from a mother and daughter far from home.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At the following link:

Janey Godley's Podcast “Episode 34”

The Plague is here

2011-02-28T18:01:00.000Z

Adelaide is a beautiful city, full of awesome architecture albeit ‘new world’ and the people are feisty and funny and it also gets a plague of locusts. Did you know that? No I didn’t either, but these things are over an inch long and crunch when you stand on them and make a rattling noise if they get caught in your thick Scottish hair.

Am horrified and disgusted and scared of them and the fringe club is covered in them, the trees are full of them and the fairy lights make them INSANE. You would think after flying into a light for four hours would be enough for an insect to recognise that battering itself is useless and it’s time to ignore the light and go to a locust dwelling and have a wee sleep? No, they don’t do that they seem to senselessly just drive themselves mad at a street light then finally swoop down to street level, all dizzy and angry and confused yet still addicted to street lights. They are mental.

Am shit scared of them and spend most of my time screaming as I walk the streets of Adelaide, people stare at me as I screech and flick yet another locust off my face, they like sitting near your nose.

The show is going great, I am really loving it, I also love the amazing Japanese students they keep giving me as front of house staff. They have trouble understanding plain English and with my accent they stare and giggle and after we communicate by the form of physical dance and mime we muddle through! Awesome! Thank God I have Ashley to do everything needed. Please don’t take this as me criticising people, it’s not - am just exclaiming the odd things that happen, most of the other volunteer staff are painfully shy, I think their parents have told them to do some voluntary work to get ‘involved’ and they come to work at the theatre. Some of the kids do that thing where they whisper or start a sentence then let words drop as is they can’t commit to a sentence and confuse you, they do this with panicked eyes, I feel so sorry for them and then wonder why they are allocated as the fire marshal, yes a kid that can’t talk much in public is in charge if a fire takes hold! I love Adelaide.

The room is a safe haven of coldness with the air-con blasting full time, as outside feels like someone is chasing you constantly with a flame thrower, the heat blasts you like you had opened a pizza oven door instead of your hotel door, who lives in this heat? I now feel sorry for those ‘Ten Pound Poms’ who came here from Aberdeen to be faced with that scorching unrelenting heat, they must have just been exhausted. I don’t know how people can get up and go do a full eight hour shift in this heat, thank God am a comic and only work an hour a night!

I feel incredibly guilty about not going to the beach and not going on the trams and not going to the parks, I cant...am exhausted its 100 degree heat every day and night time is blistering hot as well! Am a whingeing pom!

The show is hard work up at the Town Hall as I thought it would have hundreds of people milling about between shows, but it doesn’t! People haven’t yet got used to the Town Hall as a venue yet and some shows had been pulled due to lack of numbers- it’s a rotten feeling but luckily and with huge hard work on Ashley’s flyering part, not my show! It hasn’t been cancelled once (fingers crossed) I am a trooper and the Adelaidians are awesome.

Australians have a crazy deep sense of gleeful doom, every time you say “I love your city” they say things like “yeah, well, it’s going downhill fast” and they are quite upfront rude as well. Whenever I hand out a flyer men especially say “Fuck you look good there, how much photoshopping did you do in that image? You are rough in real life” nice eh?

Good things have happened as well people have been going onto www.talkfringe.com and registering and voting for me at The Adelaide Fringe! The other good thing that happened was Michael Buble is in town and he stopped Ashley and asked for directions, got chatting and carried my flyer up the Rundle Mall. How awesome is that?

This weekend I am going down to Rundle Mall to do some book signing at the Book Boys shop. Do come and buy a copy of my autobiography.

This place is wild

2011-02-25T18:34:00.000Z

So, I have been in Adelaide for a week now, I have learned a few things about this city. Firstly there are random signs written on buildings all over town that say POLITES I didn’t know what it meant turns out its a Greek bloke who owns half the town and likes marking out his property portfolio and if rumour is to be believed he buys drinks for young sexy girls. That’s me out of the picture then.

Each night after my show Ashley and I head down to the fringe club which is basically a garden with a make shift bar and tree lights which annoy the bugs. The lights in the tree annoy the bugs so much the hurl themselves at my hair and face every fifteen seconds, that’s in between angrily battering themselves off the lights until they get angry enough to hurl themselves at my face. There are so many performers here and cabaret/Burlesque is huge in Australia, basically any ‘resting’ actress/actor who is thin enough to fit into a leotard or belt and braces, has a repertoire of ditty’s from Berlin, will don a jaunty hat and sing a funny song with bad make up on their faces will do that and charge money. That’s after they do a free performance on my downtime they stand up on a chair and say ‘tonight, for your delectation’...then nothing is to my delectation, am annoyed and feel cheated to be honest. Unless they are actually funny, dirty and sexy am not impressed. They end up drunk and screaming at the girl with the powder puff backpack with bunches in her hair and getting into fights with wandering homeless aborigine folk who also don’t need or like burlesque in their city.

Then there are the many young people who ‘theme’ dress, I know I sound surly and grumpy but I have done 15 festivals and am old and dressing like a 50s housewife is so....1998.

Everyone under the age of 25 seems to have white face powder, a red curly hair-do with a dark red lips and a short shift 50s dress as they try to smoke and look like they walked out of a Doris Day movie. One woman doing that is amazing and interesting and a real commitment to an arty lifestyle, heaps of girls doing it is annoying. The bugs don’t even bother them they are too busy hurling themselves at my grumpy Scottish skin.

The Aborigine people wander around town, I have seen loads and they don’t always wear shoes, they look sad/angry/drunk/messy/angry and sometimes shouty. I am a big advocator of homeless as readers of this blog will testify, but it seems nobody talks about the Aborigine issue and I haven’t come across an Aborigine comedian. Unlike in NZ where there were heaps of Maori comics on the scene. They are just a weird backdrop to the city landscape and that irks me. I attended the mayor’s reception and didn’t see one coloured face in that room, all the council attendees were as white as a Tea dance in upstate New Hampshire.

I know me coming here and mentioning one thing that I know nothing about, but it is disturbing, especially as they collectively hate my daughter Ashley and chase her with sticks as she walks home at night. She tries to be nice but the hissing bothers her, she thinks it’s because she has a white moon face and that’s upsetting to most people.

The show is going great, am getting good reviews and nice houses and just wish there were more people up at the Town Hall so I can feed off other crowds. But that’s not happening, the shows up there haven’t yet established a busy crowd going scene, am also happy that am not at the Garden Of Unearthly Delights as the noise leakage from venue to venue is horrific and that would bother me no end.

The Rhino Rooms comedy night is awesome and you should go there at weekend nights where the shows are cracking fun. I love doing the late night gigs there.

Ashley and I are not coping well in this heat its over 100 degrees most days and we just die in the direct sunlight. The city is amazing though, really I do love it here, the ordinary Adelaide folk are smashing and I adore their feisty attitude. I am hoping by my next blog, I will be over the bugs, the burlesque people and will have made friends with some Aborigine people.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 33”

2011-02-24T01:39:00.002Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 33 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the mother and daughter broadcast again from Adelaide, they talk about the scary Cat Monkey’s that live in the trees, the insane bugs that swarm the skies and the odd dressing folk who are working at the festival. Ashley has a slightly tipsy rant about people who theme dress and they talk about the rife teen alcohol problem in Adelaide.

The mayor and queen Adelaide get a slightly angry dressing down from the home sick ladies as do the wildlife and men with handlebar moustaches. The sexy singing shanty sea men finally get to meet Ashley and the outcome is surprising. All this plus a lot more angry chit chat from the comedy duo who are far from home and too warm.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At the following link:

http://janeygodley.podomatic.com/entry/2011-02-23T15_33_03-08_00

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 32”

2011-02-17T10:57:00.004Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 32 of Janey Godley’s Podcast the mother and daughter comedy due broadcast directly from Adelaide in Australia in front of a live pub audience, Janey tells a group of strangers that Ashley hasn’t had a boyfriend while Ashley tells all about Janey’s bowel problems and couch defecation. They talk about their recent stop over in Singapore and the time they spent at Universal Studios, Ashley gushes about the new Battlestar Galactica roller coaster while Janey vents about the man who tried to steal their bag.

After technical difficulties and up to four hours of recording and re-recording Janey and Ashley are happy to get the podcast finally recorded and into your ears we hope you enjoy! Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At the following link: Click Here

That was Singapore

2011-02-15T12:56:00.000Z

The flight over was fabulous as we got four seats to ourselves and managed a bit of a sleep. Ashley was super excited as she had big plans for our arrival in Singapore, what she wasn’t expecting was the furious heat that melted her face as she got out of the airport. Oh by the way in the airport as I collected my bag, I slipped on some vodka from a broken duty free bag (not mine I don’t buy booze anywhere) and almost did the splits in my flip flops. Ashley turned round and there I was legs akimbo holding onto a trolley. I survived.

Just so you know whilst am writing this blog in the hotel lounge of the Ibis- there is a musical combo making me sad. She is ‘quirky’ (which you know I hate, nobody should wear fat Mary Jane shoes over the age of ten) and he is a bad guitarist who is prone to sticking out his tongue in a ‘look at me being cheeky’ when in fact he is really bad on the strings and she sounds like a owl being sexually assaulted in a sack whilst being battered off a wall.

Anyway on landing in Singapore Ashley decided after we checked into the tiny room of the Ibis which was like a caravan with ingenious ways of using the space to take two beds. Ashley decided we would head down to Sentosa Island and hit the Universal Studios (oh shit the singer is attempting a big ballad, business men are throwing her dirty looks and the tongue sticker is laughing) anyway I digress....we went to Universal Studios and it was 9am.

The sun turned us both into wet flabby sticky people, but Ashley was super excited and ran immediately to the Battle Star Gallactica roller coaster which isn’t actually opened yet but they were ‘testing’ it and Ashley being a super freak didn’t mind risking her life for something sci fi and fast. I didn’t go on; I stood in the shade with other people who were melting. She LOVED Universal Studios and ran about sweating and sitting on fast rides.

She convinced me to come on a ride with her so we walked to the area where you put your bags in an electronic locker system. As Ashley was entering her pin number on the self service machine a wee Asian guy in a bright green tee shirt behind her said “press enter” and Ashley snapped her head round and said “ok, so you watched us put in the pin? Right so we will change it, stand back and don’t look over my shoulder” now you have to picture this scene she is at least a foot taller than everyone and has hips and a big giant head, albeit sweaty and full of bushy hair despite getting a haircut last week. I stood quietly watching the wee guy trying to look mock affronted at her obvious accusation. The locker area was rammed full of people.

So we finally got locker F34 and deposited my bag which had our credit cards and cash in. We walked to a queue for a ride then both looked at each other and decided “we don’t like the locker bag thing we are going back to get our bag”. So as we entered the locker area THAT wee green tee shirt guy was stood there with a staff member who was dressed like an ‘explorer’ (don’t ask its Universal Studios) anyway she was over riding the computer and I stood beside her and right beside my locker door F34. I watched her enter F34 on the computer and my door opened and I reached in and grabbed my bag, “Why are you opening my locker?” I asked her and she was startled at this. Mr Green tee Shirt looked anxious. Ashley barged over and shouted “Why did you open our locker?”

The assistant was now confused as she had us claim our bag without any ID and it made me worry, what if we hadn’t walked over at that very precise moment? Would she have held our bag to that wee green tee shirt man? So am now demanding why she opened our locker and then I started on green tee shirt boy “What the fuck are you playing at? You looked over our shoulder, then you asked her to open our locker” the assistant was a very confused explorer.

(The singing combo in the hotel lounge are now screeching Torn, which I wish they were)

So green tee shirt man gets all flustered and says “I asked her to open F24, MY LOCKER” and the explorer said “you said F34” she was now exhausted with her exploring job at Universal Studios and at no point in her training was she told to expect Ashley in a big Scottish accent demanding an explanation and threatening to punch near her beloved lockers.

Green tee shirt man tried to explain about his locker and how he wanted to get his stuff out but the computer wouldn’t work and me and Ashley shouted big Scottish obscenities at him, I thought I was going to snap him, but I managed to stop myself.

So me and Ashley just walked off with our bag, and to be honest the explorer never challenged us we could have been in cahoots with Green Tee shirt man and working a bag stealing scam. To cut a long angry story short we went to the admin of Universal studios and demanded an explanation made a big long winded complaint about their stupid locker system and got free passes and express passes for our return visit when we come back from Adelaide.

There we have it, so we caught the trolley bus to Palawana beach which is the southernmost point on Asia and has an old gun battlement and a very busy shipping lane on the horizon. It was stunningly beautiful.

Ashley and I explored central Singapore and discovered that despite overwhelming evidence pedicure shops are not in abundance and the ones you do find don’t open till 1pm. We have decided that manicurists are lazy and don’t like work. We did come across at least 39 shops in three blocks that sell Buddhist icons, imagine if you will the amount of ‘Oh Holy Mary Mother of God’ statue shops near Lourdes and then treble that and you have idea of how many shops sell statues of Buddha in Singapore. Then they have fortune shops that tell you fi you and your husband/partner are compatible and if not they sell you trinkets to make you both happy or you can get moles removed to help you stay faithful or spells cast or uncast, the sheer amount of auspicious and suspicious stuff made me giggle. Which is probably racist of me not respecting their culture but seriously if they have a cure for everything, then why can’t they cure gambling or superstition?

A man walked over to us and begged cash, I said no but everyone near us handed him cash. Ashley said “what if he is a bad luck man who can cast spells if you don’t give him cash?”

“Well he is homeless and begging, how much fucking luck has he got and if he is the destiny giver then he is totally screwed isn’t he?” I replied.

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 31”

2011-02-09T23:21:00.001Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In the 31st episode of Janey Godley’s podcast, the mother and daughter discuss the horrors of Valentine’s Day, the man with hawks and Janey’s tour of Australia. Ashley’s ongoing obsession with Donnie Wahlberg and New kids on The Block is debated at length and we discover that Janey is a crossword question in the Daily Record newspaper which makes her so very happy. Janey talks about her night out in London with Heston Blumenthal the words most famous chef and Ashley reveals an emotional side when she talks about her failure to find a man. The ladies both giggle at their inability to keep to the subject and Janey horrifies Ashley when she gets explicit about Ashley’s breasts. They both answer questions from twitter and Janey reveals what really happened in the family after the ending of her book which is set in 1994.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At the following link:

http://janeygodley.podomatic.com/entry/2011-02-09T12_48_21-08_00

Piccadilly is my home

2011-02-08T09:09:00.002Z

London is one of my favourite places to be, I have had some of my best experiences in the capital and it never fails to surprise me. As soon as the plane lands and I get onto the Piccadilly line, I feel I am somehow at home. The angry, odd, frightened worried and sad people on the tube always make my imagination run wild.

I like to make stories for the people I observe. That old woman with the sad face who is rubbing her calf with gnarled fingers? I bet she was a sexy cigarette girl in her youth, she was as hot and curvy as the women painted on the pistons of American Bombers, she probably dated the Prince of Monaco before Grace Kelly got a look in and she no doubt dated Sinatra when he came to London. She now lives alone in high rise flat next to a crack dealer with a dangerous dog and a youth based hip hop dance troupe, who keep her awake with music that can only be described as really fast screaming.

See that woman with the exhausted face, bunched up skirt and thick dull hair staring at the young black guy? She is dreamingly wishing she didn’t have to face her fat annoying sweaty husband and instead she was off having a secret meeting with the tall black guy in the sharp suit, they don’t make eye contact here in front of people, but they are off to some sexy hotel room overlooking Hyde Park, she has a negligee in her big bag and her demanding kids and useless husband will melt into nothingness as soon as he strips her naked and presses into her warm body against the cold tiles in the master bathroom. Afterwards he will feed her strawberries and champagne, then as the dusk settles over the city like a washed out ruined duvet thrown over the sky will she contemplate the awfulness of her situation and she will creep home to Dagenham and asses the mess that is her broken life. But at least she had that moment with the young man and London will keep her secrets safe, it never spills them out. It tucks them all away into the tall white stucco turrets that scatter across the night sky.

I can get quite lyrical on a train can’t I?

After I make up lives and stories for people on the tube I love getting into Piccadilly and just standing there letting the whole hub of the city whirl around me like a stuttering noisy spin cycle, the lights, the traffic and even the screaming nutters make me feel like I have truly come home.

Lots of things happened on this trip for one; I got to eat at Heston Blumenthal’s new restaurant ‘Dinner’ at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. I am so very lucky that I know Heston and got to sit with him as I ate his stunning array of food. The wondrous head chef Ashley Palmer Watts served me the meat fruit which was a chicken liver parfait inside a tangy mandarin puree, then I had the steak and chips followed up by the tipsy cake, I am not doing any of this amazing award winning food any justice but I was just astounded at the tastes and shoved it all in to my mouth with unbelievable glee. Heston by the way is a cracking lovely man, that’s all I can say and am blessed he is a friend. By the way whilst am talking food if you live near Nottingham you simply must check out Sat Bains’ place up there, the man is a genius.

My favourite club is in Soho and they have bedrooms upstairs which is just as well because after one morning of meetings, auditions and a live radio show the amazing people at the Groucho club let me go upstairs and nap before I went onto do my late night comedy gig! I wasn’t staying there as a guest but they are the best folk in the world. Now you know you are very old when you hang out at a private members club and need a nap to get you through the day. Bless them! I woke up refreshed and raring to go, a power nap on Egyptian cotton sheets with a high thread count does make all the difference. Oh and big pot of tea waiting for you when you wake up also helps, all that was missing was the young black guy and the slinky negligee.

Just to prove to you that I am not some star struck snob who is full of high falluting ideas, I stood on the streets of Soho and munched down a steak bake and the gravy ran down my neck and burned my left boob. Yes am a classy eh?

All sorts of things happened when I left Glasgow, the computer broke and took with it the podcast episode Ashley and I had recorded together. She simply re recorded the episode on her own and am very proud of that! Husband had to buy a new computer and it seems he lost lots of vital information, but he spends his entire life telling me to back stuff up and never really did it himself. I was full to the brim with ‘I told you so’ but kept my gob shut! There is nothing worse than when someone makes a situation worse by being smug and that’s not me.

So Ashley and I are off to Adelaide next Sunday do check my show out at Adelaide Town Hall you can get all the links on my website http://janeygodley.com

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 30”

2011-02-03T01:42:00.000Z

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In the 30th episode of Janey Godley’s Podcast Ashley is left home alone and is charged with presenting the podcast by herself. She tells us all about Mel Gibson’s “reasons” for being anti-Jewish, and discusses (with herself) the pros and cons of civil revolution, she encourages you all to go to your library and read a comic called “100 Bullets” or call the lady behind the counter a cow. Ashley then draws attention to another onslaught of bad weather hitting Australia, and questions why more people don’t like New kids on the block. She worries about her mother’s new role as the “face” of BBC radio 4’s comedy podcast and how this will effect the future of her own podcast all this plus a riveting look into the mind of a twenty something left alone with a microphone and nobody to talk to.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Please do comment on the Janey Godley Podcast At the following link:
http://janeygodley.podomatic.com

Is this Normal life?

2011-01-30T22:03:00.000Z

Husband said “let’s go into Braehead shopping centre and have a wee walk about” This basically means me and Ashley end up sweaty, tired and bored, breathing in itchy manufactured air conditioned breezes and we start picking fights with each other.

The whole place smells of processed burgers, ice cream and sticky cotton candy. Ashley isn’t good at clothes shopping.

She laughs loudly and animatedly at dress’s I pick up. I think the style looks fine and then she snorts and gets husband involved “That’s a busy pattern Janey” They both snigger.

“That makes me think am on acid, put it down, dogs will bite you if you wear that” she giggles. Shop assistants hate Ashley as she picks outfits up holds them against her and sings songs like “Don’t stop me now” and dances about like a dick!

Then husband loves a good walk through a sports clothing shop, he doesn’t do sport but he likes bundles of cheap socks and likes to finger swim wear, men’s you understand, he isn’t into women’s costumes. He isn’t a freak. Ashley squeals with delight and tries on fifteen different pairs of trainers and tries to get her dad to buy her at least six pairs. She loves trainers. Husband isn’t given to panic buying so he will check the price of cheap socks then go to every other outlet on the mall to check their price of socks then go back and get the cheapest ones he found at the start. Then he stares at the cheap socks, you can see him pondering as if he is debating the meaning of life and then decides he doesn’t actually need socks.

That takes up some mall time. Husband also loves free stuff.
There is nobody in the world like him for ‘free stuff’ you know the platters in supermarkets and on counters throughout the mall?
He can happily unashamedly nibble cheese & crackers, drink tiny tots of Bailey’s Irish Cream, stand and wait for the woman to replenish the cookie tray and happily try a massage chair whilst he eats stuff he kept in his pockets from the cheese & cracker counter earlier. Not in the least bit embarrassed either. He has no shame at all inside his body, Ashley runs away from him when he does this. I just giggle and accept he likes free stuff.

The thing I hate about shopping centres is the sheer amount of screaming, weeping, frustrated and badly behaved kids. They scream and slide about the floors, and I have that awful feeling where I might get too angry and may grab other people’s annoying children and slap their legs. I would never do that and we all know you shouldn’t hit kids but at the shopping centre there are a few stupid parents I would happily do some jail time to drop kick. It’s never the kids it’s the daft parents who allow their kids to be pains in the ass that need disciplined.
I avoided the children, the stupid parents and headed to the books store, my favourite thing in the whole world. I love books. I could happily sit for hours in a book store making up a wish list of things to buy.

Ashley got some trainers, husband got some jogging bottoms and I got an itchy rash so we left. Husband decided we needed to go our local shop to get some milk- that was where things went really wrong. It was getting dark, Ashley had a horrible headache and I told her to stay in the car with me. I was in the back, I made her put her seat fully back onto my knees and I massaged her head.

This was fine, she was happy then a man stopped and stared at us in the car park. I was leaning over her rubbing her head and she was lying there enjoying it. A man was enjoying watching it as well.
He stopped there and simply watched us as if we were some sort of mother and daughter dogging session.
Ashley sat up quickly when I mentioned it and gave the man the finger. I wound the window down and shouted “Fuck off, am massaging my daughter’s head, creepy weirdo”

I have decided to shout at people a lot in the street now I am fifty. It somehow feels the right thing to do. Husband came out of our local shop munching a donut “they have free ones on at the counter” he mumbled and happily drove off dreaming about cheap socks.