Monday, February 02, 2009

Boob Jobs

I have recently toyed with the idea of getting my gigantic breasts reduced. You see, I can never really get decent clothes to fit, everything needs to be baggy on top (size 20) and a size 14 on bottom. It means dresses hang over my body but are fitted around the boob area, I am not skinny by any means, but my tits are fuck-off HUGE. I look insane in strappy tee shirts, I cant wear anything tight or I look like a candidate for ‘Readers Wives’ or ‘Slutty old chicks.com’ my boobs dominate my entire body shape and I am jealous of women who can wear fitted shirts or nice slinky tops.

To make matters worse, I just read an article on that talentless self-starver Victoria Beckham and her latest clothes line, (did you know she has just invented clothes, dresses and has put style on the world map…no? Well then you are stupid!)

She harps on about the perfect silhouette, that’s ok for her with her body of a nine year old boy that has had two small plastic cereal bowls implanted on the chest wall…my silhouette is reminiscent of Hitchcock’s.
Well at least my hair doesn’t look like it’s just been cut by a special person with safety scissors. Who allowed that to happen? Victoria, get real and grow your hair for fucksake, you are never going to be Audrey Hepburn, no matter how much you refuse to eat or wear giant sunglasses, and gamine isn’t even a real word as far as I am concerned.

So back to my REAL giant breasts and the problems they give me.

In the summer heat they weigh me down and almost kill me and you try sleeping comfortably with two giant airbags that seemed to be filled with cold lumpy porridge strapped to your chest. Yes, not funny or sexy eh?

So I have been staring at myself in bright mirrors and imagining how I would look with smaller perkier boobs and to be honest, it would be great.

So I looked up the web for ‘before and after’ photo’s of women who got a breast reduction and screamed in horror.

Fuck that! They look like some Frankenstein/ Tim Burton-esque-sewed up monster titty experiment.

I don’t want big red welted scars running from my nipple to under my boob. Apparently you lose nipple sensation as well? Who would want to never feel their nipples? Not me…that’s well fucked.

Then I made the huge mistake of watching a breast reduction operation on line…oh MY GOD! They basically slice an anchor style cut from your nipple down to under you boob, whip out the tissue, relocate the nipple and sew it all back up. The breast is left looking like a side of pork sewed up and not for suckling either…all grotesque and scary looking.

So I have decided that big fat boobs are fine, nothing a good bra cant sort or losing some weight and exercise. Husband would faint if I had small breasts as well, why do you think this marriage has lasted nearly 30 years? It isn’t because of my sunny disposition or reasonable nature…no, it’s my big tits!

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