What to Wear?

I cannot find my favourite skirt to wear on TV this weekend. It is my favourite black/chiffon short flirty skirt that I love. Ashley had it last and I know that I will never find it if she has thrown it into that quagmire of a room. Her room is like the Amityville House but without the nice paint and good times, there is a heap of dark looking clothes that just lies there on the floor in a heap and I am sure its actually alive and when other clothes get thrown in there, that scary ‘Steven King’ type seething man made fibre mass on the sticky floor gobbles them up and slowly but evilly ‘burps’.

Ashley denies all knowledge of the black skirt and swears I had it last…I know this is not true, she is the one who loses everything, she came home from school when she was 15 and had lost a shoe! How the fuck do you lose a shoe?

Well I am no longer the smelly, smokey fat slutty girl, I am chubby clean and smiling at strangers and smell delicious!

I am up to my colon in pineapple, carrot and ginger ‘smoothies’, my intestines are slowly being scraped by wholemeal lentils/barley/brown rice and pine nuts.
Fucking pine nuts! Do you know how much they cost? They are actually £5 for a small bag! Crack is cheaper than pine fucking nuts! Heroin is cheaper than pine nuts…I can hire a man for the night, who will erect a bathroom shelf, paint the hall, clean out the scary daughters room, tidy my knickers’ drawer, fuck me and turn into a pizza for the price of a big bag of pine nuts!

I personally think Jamie Oliver and that insidious Scottish pretend doctor harridan of healthy eating Dr Gillian McKeith have land-locked acres of pine nut forests (or whatever the fuck they grow on…is it actually pine trees?) and they are raking a fortune on selling them and endorsing them constantly on TV. They are the ‘drug barons’ of healthy snacks.
Let’s kill the fat tongued one and the ginger pinched faced skinny bitch!


So I went out to my favourite cheap clothes store Primark, it sells really cheap funky clothes. The one thing that ALWAYS freaks me out in a funny way is the amount of Asian men who avidly search the women’s clothes racks and load up on skirts and tops, they don’t just browse in that nonchalant type of man way…but really really searching in amongst the clothes like a right lady. I have started to watch for them now and there is a huge abundance of them in Primark, not any other shop I have been in, just Primark.
I came to the conclusion that the Muslim men are either transvestites who are getting togged up for the weekend, and that’s what they wear under the Burrka? Or they really are men who shop that good for their wives? By the way that is NOT a racist statement; in fact it is very NON racist to make sure we include Muslims in the whole transvestite/ gay thing.

Ok that’s evil, I am sorry. I had a fun night tonight, I went to the local newsagents/Spar supermarket and sat down and read all the newspapers and magazines. The young Asian blokes ( all wearing mens clothes) who run it, just leave me to get on with it and never bother me as I pull stuff apart and open up new magazines! They even give me free sweets as I sit on the staff steps reading all the broadsheets…I had to refuse as I am on a diet! You would think they could offer me some yoghurt covered organics pine nuts?

I am happy as I just sat and watched the whole first season of the ‘Gilmore Girls’. This is a US sitcom that I saw in Los Angeles in 2001, Ashley and I fell in love with it back then and finally got the DVD’s from USA as we cannot get them here in UK, but my DVD player plays US DVD’s, so I am happy and I love the show. I am going to get the other five seasons and lock myself up for three weeks to watch them all back to back!

Hurrah….all I need now is a video of Gillian McKeith and Jamie Oliver both choking to death in silo of pine nuts!